suicide | Blessed to be Broken

The Cost of Fame

by Trish Cordell

Death. It’s inevitable. You can’t buy life. It’s one of those things that just happens. I’m not sure why the death of Lisa Marie Presley caught me off guard. It’s not like I followed her career or knew much about her at all. I guess somewhere in the back of my brain I always felt sorry for her. She had to share her famous daddy with the whole world. All too soon, he was gone from her life. Later in life, her eldest son committed suicide. She was devastated.

Like her dad, she had become addicted to prescription opioids due to an injury. She overcame. But, it’s the pictures of her as a young girl that capture my attention. Look at her smile. She has no clue what her life will become. She’s just living in the moment. As the little girl, she’s just happy to be with her daddy. Or so it would seem from the image captured here.

Lisa Marie Presley and her daddy, Elvis Presley

We all know what pain looks and feels like. Moving forward and away from the pain takes guts. It’s daring to believe in hope. That better things are coming. I don’t know what she believed. But everyday someone famous teaches me that money and fame can’t buy life. It can’t buy happiness. Celebrities are no different than any other human who walks this planet. They become famous because we make it so. We put them on pedestals and we idolize them.

Lisa Marie became famous the day she was born. The daughter of the King of rock-n-roll. She didn’t ask for that title. It was simply inherited. I wonder if anyone ever asked her how she felt about that?

Watching the interviews of her from the red carpet at the Golden Globes awards, the last night she’d ever see, they asked her “who” she was wearing? And all sorts of questions about the movie Elvis and the actor who played her father. It all seems so unimportant. As if the dress she wore, and who made it, was the end all of the be all. We make that type of information important. Why? We buy into the celebrity lifestyle by coveting what we think they have.

Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it. Lisa Marie’s death is tragic and sad. But no more so than any other person’s death. I don’t think this side of heaven treated her like a celebrity. Pain was still a part of her story. She couldn’t buy her way out of it.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, when will we see that money is not power. That money can’t buy us long-lasting happiness. That we can’t take money with us when we die. Money makes a poor idol. It steals from living a stress-free life and keeps us locked in chains and deceives us into thinking we always have to have more. Why? Because we want it all.

On the outside looking in, celebrities have it all. But from the inside looking out, it’s what you don’t see that’s dangerous. I’m not saying money is bad. I’m just saying the reasons behind money can be deadly.

Today’s a new day. We have no real idea of what’s in store. Lisa Marie’s public death is a stark reminder you can be walking the red carpet one moment, and dead the next. What you do with the gift of today is your business. As for me, at least for today, I gonna stop putting so much pressure on myself to be an idea of me. I’m gonna embrace me so I can love others better.

Rest in heavenly peace Lisa Marie. Please join me in praying for peace and comfort for her family.

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Circling The Drain

by Trish Cordell

Circling The Drain

I feel a shift. Not a big or mighty shift. But a shift, nonetheless. It’s easy to see big, drastic changes. But it’s the small steps towards something that gets easily ignored, forgotten, or even dismissed. When in fact, those tiny steps forward should be celebrated.

Perhaps this shift is a new thought that interrupts, and inserts itself into the “same old” pattern of thinking. This new thought brings hope into a desolate situation. Except, the hopeful thought gets tossed to the side because the “nothing good ever happens” thoughts over power it.

I call those negative thought patterns, “circling the drain”. It’s like at any given moment we can be sucked down the pit of despair drain, but instead we ride the rim, hoping something will change, but dismissing any hopeful thought or movement toward change.

What happens next? The “what if’s” join the circle. Nasty little buggers. The “what if’s” allow the imagination to run wild with every possible “this will never work” scenario. They snatch hope away like the Grinch stealing all things Christmas, until there’s not even a piece of tinsel left.

Hopelessness then comes creeping in like the thief it is. This is the scariest of places. Hopelessness has a language and feeling all its own. It deceives and destroys. It robs you and doesn’t think twice or look back to see if you’re ok, because it could care less about you. It takes and keeps taking, until there’s nothing left to take.

I’ve been hopeless. I’ve been overrun by guilt, shame, self-loathing, and low self-esteem. I’ve looked at the reflection in the mirror and mentally abused myself. Which led me to physically abuse myself. Not in obvious ways…at first. Eventually, the lies of the enemy piled so high on top of me, I couldn’t or maybe I just didn’t want to see a way forward. I just wanted all the pain to stop.

Maybe you’ve been there. Maybe you’re there now. Words seem hollow. Simple actions are unbearably hard to achieve. Going through the motions is a chore. And if this is what life looks like, you no longer want any part of it. Whatever the reason(s), I’m so sorry.

The theme song to the tv show MAS*H is entitled “Suicide Is Painless”. I beg to differ. It’s anything but painless. It’s gut wrenching. It’s hope deferred. It’s dark, twisty, and hell bent on destruction. Suicide is not a stigma, it’s not selfish, and it’s nothing new. It has no rhyme or reason and anyone can be its victim. Race, religion, status, popularity, rich, or poor doesn’t matter. Suicide isn’t glamorous and it won’t “show them,” a thing.

I can’t make any promises, but I can say, from my own experience, that suicide is not the only option. There’s still ”life” to be had. There’s still more. But you have to decide your life has meaning and purpose. You have to decide to step away from the rim of the drain. You have to know, deep down, below the darkness, there’s still a light shining. Even if it’s a flicker, it’s still there.

You have to fight for you because yes, you are worth it. Let me repeat that..YOU are worth it!

Tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us. Seasons of life come and go. This moment in time is not your entire story. It’s just, right now. And right now, is all any of us have. In the blink of an eye, shift happens and life begins beyond this moment. Because time nor the world, my friend, stops for no one.

I guess what I want to say is, there’s always hope. You may have to dig to find it, but it’s there. Name one thing you can be grateful for and focus on that until you can think of the next thing, and then the next. There’s always, always something to be thankful for, as cliche as that sounds. If you weren’t supposed to be here, you wouldn’t be reading this.

And if no one has told you lately that you matter, please hear my heart when I tell you, YOU matter. And what I mean by that is, the world would not be a better place without you, nor would those left behind be better without you.

You are an intricately made, wonderfully complex, deeply loved person of effect. You, my friend, are a world changer. It all begins with a ripple. Remember always, greater is He that is in you, than he who is in the world.

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Outshine

by Trish Cordell

Last night I watched an episode of 9-1-1. A lot of the show resonated deeply with me. It was mainly about the character Maddie. She fell into what was initially thought of as postpartum depression. Turns out it was a thyroid thing. She was so depressed and convinced she wasn’t worthy to live, she attempted suicide. Thoughts of her hubby and newborn baby made her seek help instead.

She wanted to get healed before she went back to her hubby and baby whom she left months previously. She left because she was so exhausted from her medical condition she drifted off when the baby was in the tub and the baby slipped under the water for a few seconds. She felt on top of her condition she was a danger to her family.

There’s nothing worse than knowing there’s something medically wrong and no one will listen. Maddie ran from her family and her husband with baby in tow decided to find her. He felt responsible. She asked and pleaded with him not to follow, to give her the time she needed to heal. He didn’t listen.

Eventually after months they were in the same city. He daily sat outside a hospital where he thought she’d magically come walking out of one day, until a friend told him to get back in the game called life. That friend also told him that maybe, since he hadn’t found his wife, it was time to let go of what he so desperately wanted and let the “universe” do the work for him. As in, give back to the “universe,” and maybe the universe will give back to you. (Because you know, it’s all about what the universe can do for us.)

Eventually, Maddie and her hubby find each other and after the shock of the meeting, they finally get to talk. What it came down to is Maddie left because she knew her husband didn’t grasp the severity of her mental illness. He thought he could fix it by simply loving her through it. He had a good heart, but she needed so much more than he was gonna be able to give her.

Maddie had been through a lot of trauma. It hadn’t been respectfully dealt with, so the trauma dealt with her. Sometimes space is the best gift you can give someone who needs proper time to heal.

Maddie wasn’t able to heal while focusing on her family, job and all the life things. She didn’t leave to hurt them, she left to help them. She left to seek a deeper inner healing than they could provide. She knew in her knower it’s what was best. The fixers in this workd mean well, but people don’t need to be fixed. They need compassion and a safe place to land. We also don’t need our trauma to be trumped by another’s.

Listening is hard. Being vulnerable is hard. Fixing is nothing more than slapping a bandaid on a hemorrhaging wound. It takes guts to really listen with a compassionate ear. It takes guts to stop “running” from your pain and dealing with it. In reality, you truly can’t outrun your pain.

Maddie tried outrunning her pain by doing the daily grind and stuffing it down. But it came on her full force and it tried to take her out of this world. She succeeded in getting the help she needed. Sadly, many don’t.

I guess the point to all of this is, in a world where people are constantly trying to outshine one another in an effort to become noticed, we’ve forgotten what true compassion looks like. This “look at me and what I can do” world is a harsh place to exist. It’s even more harsh on those who feel they don’t have a place.

I’ll wrap this up with the new commandment Jesus gave us:

“And so I am giving a new commandment to you now—love each other just as much as I love you. Your strong love for each other will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”” ~ John 13:34-35 (TLB)

Notice it didn’t say to outshine one another. Because that’s not love, that’s selfish.

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Show Me The Way

by Trish Cordell

The other day when I turned on the tv, Little House On The Prairie was what popped up on the screen. I can’t say I remember watching too much of this show when it originally aired or even the reruns. But for some reason this one caught my eye.

There’s a character named Edwards. I guess he hurt his foot and was feeling pretty useless and depressed. So, Ma Ingalls suggested to Pa Ingalls to take Laura over to Edwards house and go help cheer him up. Over the course of the visit, the man, Edwards suggested a hunting trip, and it was agreed that Pa Ingalls and Laura would go along.

Once in the woods Pa and Edwards decided to head out to hunt while Laura stayed behind to make some grub. Aha! Herein lies the true reason Edwards wanted to go into the woods. As I said before he felt useless because of his bum foot. It made him feel like a burden to his wife and friends. So he concocted a plan to off himself. He was just about to pull the trigger of his rifle to shoot himself in the head when Pa Ingalls kicked the gun away. With his suicidal plan out in the open, Edwards told Pa his plan and “reasonings” behind it. Who knew Little House tackled such heavy subjects as this?

Edwards was determined to finish what he started. But Pa Ingalls was just as determined to save his friend. While praying to God, Pa asked the Lord to show him how to help his friend. Help being the key word here. He asked God to show him the way. Just then a deer came out into the open. Pa said it was pretty much the deer’s lucky day and tried to shoo it away.

He fired a round into the air to scare the deer away. It didn’t move. A perplexed Pa then had an epiphany and said “show me the way.” Next thing we hear is another shot fired. This second shot captured Edwards attention who was sitting in his woe is me stew several hundred feet away. Pa screams out Edwards name and Edwards quickly hobbles over to Pa. When Edwards reaches Pa, he sees Pa on the ground looking poorly. There’s blood on Pa’s shirt. Dun, dun, dun.

Pa tells Edwards he needs to go back to camp and get Laura and a horse. Surprisingly, Edwards makes it back to Laura at camp and says her Pa’s been hurt and they have to go get him. BUT, Pa strolls into camp, blood still on his shirt, uninjured. Seems it must not have been the deer’s lucky day after all. The blood smear had to come from somewhere. Poor deer.

Edwards is pretty angry after having to hobble all the way back to camp on his walking stick crutch and complains he almost killed himself doing it. Ironic huh? Little House all over here teaching folks big lessons.

Once Edwards got outside of his own dark musings and thought more of helping his friend, his life took on another meaning. Instead of thinking he was useless and no good to anyone, he put all those type thoughts behind him and dug deep to find the strength he needed to help his friend. His injury may have hindered him a bit, but it couldn’t stop the overwhelming desire within him to help Pa. That desire to help, propelled him into action.

The enemy loves to isolate and speak death into your mind. He only comes to kill, steal, and destroy. Edwards couldn’t see past his injury. He allowed the lie that he was useless because of his injury define the rest of his life. How often does this happen in real life? Life isn’t what we think it should be, so we shrug our shoulders, say this is as good as it gets, and become like the walking dead. We draw further into our own world and forget that life is best lived when we help one another.

We all have different skills and gifts. We’re wired that way to help one another, not hurt one another. We’re wired that way to lift one another up, not tear each other down. Love one another is the Lord’s commandment for a reason. He knows what hate can do, what it’s capable of, and the way it hardens our hearts. Hate doesn’t make us stronger. It makes us weak. So weak in fact, we give up on the life Christ died to give us. I’m just gonna let you think about that on your own.

Today’s a new day. It already looks different than yesterday. Tomorrow’s not promised. How will you LIVE out this gift of today? It’s your choice. I hope you choose love. Love is its own reward when lived out as intended.

What does that love look like? I’m so glad you asked!

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” 1 Corinthians 13:4~7 (NLT)

Love well my friends!

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There’s More To Your Story

by Trish Cordell

He wanted to die. For whatever reason, life on this side of Heaven is not what he wanted. Maybe it was too big a disappointment. Maybe it was too hard. Maybe it was too painful or maybe, just maybe, it was the separation of his earthly vessel from His Heavenly Creator that caused a cavernous emptiness so encompassing that he felt only death could fix it.

So he set a course of action in play, one he was sure would take him out of this world, out of his pain, out of his misery, out of his suffering, BUT…God.

“You can make many plans, but the LORD’S purpose will prevail.” – Proverbs 19:21 (NLT)

This day was not like any other day. His body screamed “enough” and told him in more ways than one that he couldn’t keep going at the rate he was going. Many pieces and parts of his inner frame started to shut down from the years of abuse. He was on a mission, but so was God.

He would find himself in the ICU, hooked up to numerous medications. Each day during his stay I watched his body fight back from the brink of death. I witnessed glimpses of hope. I saw his body get the rest it so desperately needed to repair the damage from the choices he made.

I was very much aware of God’s mercies being new every morning and each second as recovery took over destruction. I watched the hands and feet of Jesus at work in those who claimed not to believe in Him. And I marveled as I watched God wooing those who are wandering. How could I not be amazed at His beautiful and amazing grace?

I was reminded of this verse: “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.” – Psalm 23:4 (NKJV)

I don’t know the reason he set out on his own path away from God. But his plans did not prevail, and he’s still here. Whatever caused that broken relationship with himself, the one that told him, his life was not worth living, is as personal as the love Jesus has for him. And just as I saw miracles happen over the course of that hospital stay, I know God won’t stop reaching, fighting for His son, His child, His beautiful creation.

I know, because I also found myself wanting to quit this world when it got too hard and the pain seemed unbearable many years ago. It was in this place of desolation and the belief that no one cared that I thrashed about like a fish out of water screaming: “God, where are you?” And He whispered, “I’m right here, where are you?”

Indeed, where was I? Sin had pulled me far from God, but not so far that His love couldn’t save me. So, if you feel the lack of God’s mighty presence, I wonder, where are you? Because God, He’s right here. I know, because His promise in Deuteronomy 31:6 says: “I will never leave you or forsake you.” Never…that’s a long time.

Sweet friend, if you’re still here, please don’t give up, there’s more to your story than just this moment. Whatever piece of this journey you’re on, it’s nothing that will last forever…it’s just a season. Please remember, you’re life is precious and you have a purpose and there is no one exactly like you that can do all you were created to do.

Your story’s not over, it’s just beginning.

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Choose Life

by Trish Cordell

Every time I hear someone say…”I just don’t understand how someone could commit suicide,” I admit, I cringe just a little. I guess for those who say that, they’ve never felt the desolation, the isolation, the…just make it stop, so it doesn’t hurt anymore pain.

Did I ever think for a second that I would find myself in such a place of darkness? No. Did I say the same things about people who commit suicide? Things like “it’s the ultimate selfish act,” or “there’s just too many places to seek and get help for anyone to get to that point,” or “somebody should have been paying closer attention…” yep, I sure did. So color me surprised when I was inches away from committing that “ultimate selfish act.”

What happened? How did I get to a place where I thought death would be better than living? Years…it took years. Too many years trapped in my own head with the same “voices” repeating my failures over and over. Those thoughts squashed any successes I should’ve held closer and celebrated.

My actions caused me great pain, which led to great shame, which led to, in my head, believing I had only one way out. No one knew. I hid it well. I for sure, didn’t go around talking about it. I didn’t take any steps to prepare for it, didn’t prepare a will or write a note, it all just came to a head and I just wanted the pain gone. I didn’t stop to consider anything else. Nothing and no one else mattered. The pain was just too overwhelming and I was tired of putting on the “I’m fine” façade.

At the time I was still in the military. I attended all kinds of training about “how to” help someone or “how to” spot the signs of someone “in trouble.” Maybe it was in that training I learned what not to show others. I knew who I could go to, and I knew if I did what it could cost my career if I admitted such a thing. I wasn’t going to be “that” person everyone whispered about when it came to my mental health. How sad that I cared more about those things than I did in taking care of me.

Thankfully, my plans didn’t prevail. God stepped in and showed me a better way. God helped me see the person He sees and He’s showing me the person He created me to be. This too has taken years, but I was a hot mess and there’s lots to reverse. However long it takes, I’m in it all the way to see what He’s planned for me. “For I know the plans I have for you, “declares the LORD,” plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

I know whose waiting for me at the finish line….and until He calls me home I will continue to push forward where I’m planted, while He cheers me on. So while I’m living for today, I want to live for my life eternal. I’m not perfect, and I’ll make mistakes, but ya know what? God already knew that and He gives me grace and loves me anyways!! How awesome and amazing is that?!

Whatever you’re facing, whatever trial seems too much for you, is not too hard when you grasp onto the hands of Jesus. Claim Him as your Savior and watch what He will do. You won’t want to miss one second of what He has for you. This life needs you and believe it or not, someone needs the gifts you have to offer. Choose life my friends. Choose Christ!!

Father God I just pray that for anyone reading this, they realize they are not a mistake, that you made them for a purpose and no matter what they have done, You are there with forgiving arms. Nothing is wasted Lord and nothing is too hard for You. You are the master and creator of ALL things, including your precious children and this precious child…(insert your name here). I lift…(insert your name here) up to you Lord and claim Your love, comfort and peace wash over and in them, right now as they seek you. You love us so much Lord, You gave Your one and only Son to die for us, to remove our sins, and I pray this precious child understands You love them beyond anything they could ever imagine. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Rascal Flatts – Why

Choose Life–Big Tent Revival

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