Blessed to be Broken

God's not finished with me yet!

Choose Life

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Every time I hear someone say…”I just don’t understand how someone could commit suicide,” I admit, I cringe just a little.  I guess for those who say that, they’ve never felt the desolation, the isolation, the…just make it stop, so it doesn’t hurt anymore pain.

Did I ever think for a second that I would find myself in such a place of darkness? No.  Did I say the same things about people who commit suicide?  Things like “it’s the ultimate selfish act,” or “there’s just too many places to seek and get help for anyone to get to that point,” or “somebody should have been paying closer attention…” yep, I sure did. So color me surprised when I was inches away from committing that “ultimate selfish act.”

What happened? How did I get to a place where I thought death would be better than living?  Years…it took years.  Too many years trapped in my own head with the same “voices” repeating my failures over and over.  Those thoughts squashed any successes I should’ve held closer and celebrated.

My actions caused me great pain, which led to great shame, which led to, in my head, believing I had only one way out.  No one knew.  I hid it well.  I for sure, didn’t go around talking about it.  I didn’t take any steps to prepare for it, didn’t prepare a will or write a note, it all just came to a head and I just wanted the pain gone.  I didn’t stop to consider anything else.  Nothing and no one else mattered.  The pain was just too overwhelming and I was tired of putting on the “I’m fine” façade.

At the time I was still in the military.  I attended all kinds of training about “how to” help someone or “how to” spot the signs of someone “in trouble.”  Maybe it was in that training I learned what not to show others.  I knew who I could go to, and I knew if I did what it could cost my career if I admitted such a thing.  I wasn’t going to be “that” person everyone whispered about when it came to my mental health.   How sad that I cared more about those things than I did in taking care of me.

Thankfully, my plans didn’t prevail.  God stepped in and showed me a better way.  God helped me see the person He sees and He’s showing me the person He created me to be.  This too has taken years, but I was a hot mess and there’s lots to reverse.  However long it takes, I’m in it all the way to see what He’s planned for me.  “For I know the plans I have for you, “declares the LORD,” plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

I know whose waiting for me at the finish line….and until He calls me home I will continue to push forward where I’m planted, while He cheers me on.  So while I’m living for today, I want to live for my life eternal.  I’m not perfect, and I’ll make mistakes, but ya know what?  God already knew that and He gives me grace and loves me anyways!!  How awesome and amazing is that?!

Whatever you’re facing, whatever trial seems too much for you, is not too hard when you grasp onto the hands of Jesus.  Claim Him as your Savior and watch what He will do.  You won’t want to miss one second of what He has for you.  This life needs you and believe it or not, someone needs the gifts you have to offer.  Choose life my friends.  Choose Christ!!

Father God I just pray that for anyone reading this, they realize they are not a mistake, that you made them for a purpose and no matter what they have done, You are there with forgiving arms.  Nothing is wasted Lord and nothing is too hard for You.  You are the master and creator of ALL things, including your precious children and this precious child…(insert your name here).   I lift…(insert your name here) up to you Lord and  claim Your love, comfort and peace wash over and in them, right now as they seek you.  You love us so much Lord, You gave Your one and only Son to die for us, to remove our sins, and I pray this precious child understands You love them beyond anything they could ever imagine. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Rascal Flatts – Why

Choose Life–Big Tent Revival

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Beginnings

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I have always loved to write.  Looking back over the course of my life, I see the stories I would start and then leave hanging.  At the time I would write, I would, most times be overwhelmed by what was going on in my life.  I couldn’t or maybe I wouldn’t have ever told people nor family or friends how I truly felt, it would have exposed a weakness, a vulnerability that I instead would keep hidden and tried to bury.  Just seemed as if I told anyone the deepest parts of me I would be told yet again that I needed to see a doctor and get some “happy” pills.  I didn’t want “happy” pills.  I wanted to feel my pain and remember.  Not in a martyr kind of way, in a lesson learned kind of way.

If you check the date of my last blog, it’s been almost a month since I last wrote and I have been putting off writing because I was being led to this story I’m about to share over and over again.  I argued with God I didn’t know what to write and this story came up.   I argued more and this story came up and I even started another story and this story came up.  I guess God is telling me it’s time to let it out and it’s time to obey what I’ve been hearing. Ironically in church today, that was pretty much the message..hear and obey. So this is me, doing just that and I bet when it’s done, I’ll be happy I listened to the Daddy who knows me best.

It’s an unfinished story from May 16 2011, written in the very early morning hours.  I titled it “Beginnings,” but I’m not sure why and every time I read it, I cry and I thank God I’m not where I used to be, and that He is leading me to a place of total healing.  It really comes as no surprise that my Father should want me to reveal this as we come upon chapter 4 of Renee Swope’s book—A Confident Heart.  Chapter 4 is titled  “God promises hope for my future despite the pain of my past.” I read this chapter once before and then I put the book down for several weeks before I could read more. Those of you who have read the book or are going to be reading that chapter this week will understand.  So, here’s a glimpse into part of my painful past….

“Wow, would you just look at all this stuff.  Her stuff, stuff she collected to make herself feel good, decorate her home, make people feel welcome….stuff she collected to fill a void that to this day she has no clue what for.  BUT, she has learned that even with all this stuff, she feels empty, hollow, a shell of a person.  48 years old and she still has no clue who she is, what she wants, or why she’s been allowed to take up space on this earth, when there are so many with dreams untold that have vacated this earth for reasons unknown.  But here she is, here she sits, typing to no one but herself.  It feels good to get it out, to tell someone or in this case something.  The hole opens, the words pour out and she waits for the hurt, the pain, the tears, the godforsaken emptiness of her soul to be heard, to be healed, to be forgiven….except, she knows that deep in the depths of her soul, that first and foremost she needs to forgive myself.  Not absolution, never total absolution because she never wants to forget the person that took advantage of everything that was handed to her, who thought the grass was greener on the other side, who indeed coveted what someone may have had.  She was shameless in her quest to fill the emptiness that she felt for sooooo many years.  Her appetite was insatiable, incoherent and reckless.  She cared not for the souls in her path that could suffer the consequences of her own destruction and in doing so, now care nothing for the person who stares back at her from the mirror she can’t stand looking into.  She is the worst kind of person, the kind who obsesses about the negative no matter how hard she tries to make the positive the focus of her being.  It matters not the legs, the arms, the heart, the brain, that work perfectly, it only matters that the trials and tribulations have left her void of any hope of fulfilling her destination.  She breathes, but she knows not the reason breath was breathed into her lifeless body by God himself.  The whisper on an angels’ wing that sent forth her soul to become the person someone meant for her to be.  She lost her way, she laughed in its’ face and she never felt emptier, and she never wanted anything more than the light to be extinguished from her soul to make the pain of her own stupidity go away.  Except it’s never that easy, there’s a lesson to be learned, a lesson to be passed on to a generation that might listen, a forgiveness from within that might help foster the life to be lived move forward and not forever backwards.  It’s so easy in the moment to react to a situation and only focus on what you feel is the best thing for all involved and how easy is it to forget the vows that connected you to another human being.”

Actually when I go back and read some of the stories I wrote I wonder….who wrote that?!!   But the woman who wrote that, cries not for the person she is today, she cries for the brokenness that God saw fit to reach down and save…she felt unworthy….He told her she was His and she…..I am worthy.

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