Every time I hear someone say…”I just don’t understand how someone could commit suicide,” I admit, I cringe just a little. I guess for those who say that, they’ve never felt the desolation, the isolation, the…just make it stop, so it doesn’t hurt anymore pain.
Did I ever think for a second that I would find myself in such a place of darkness? No. Did I say the same things about people who commit suicide? Things like “it’s the ultimate selfish act,” or “there’s just too many places to seek and get help for anyone to get to that point,” or “somebody should have been paying closer attention…” yep, I sure did. So color me surprised when I was inches away from committing that “ultimate selfish act.”
What happened? How did I get to a place where I thought death would be better than living? Years…it took years. Too many years trapped in my own head with the same “voices” repeating my failures over and over. Those thoughts squashed any successes I should’ve held closer and celebrated.
My actions caused me great pain, which led to great shame, which led to, in my head, believing I had only one way out. No one knew. I hid it well. I for sure, didn’t go around talking about it. I didn’t take any steps to prepare for it, didn’t prepare a will or write a note, it all just came to a head and I just wanted the pain gone. I didn’t stop to consider anything else. Nothing and no one else mattered. The pain was just too overwhelming and I was tired of putting on the “I’m fine” façade.
At the time I was still in the military. I attended all kinds of training about “how to” help someone or “how to” spot the signs of someone “in trouble.” Maybe it was in that training I learned what not to show others. I knew who I could go to, and I knew if I did what it could cost my career if I admitted such a thing. I wasn’t going to be “that” person everyone whispered about when it came to my mental health. How sad that I cared more about those things than I did in taking care of me.
Thankfully, my plans didn’t prevail. God stepped in and showed me a better way. God helped me see the person He sees and He’s showing me the person He created me to be. This too has taken years, but I was a hot mess and there’s lots to reverse. However long it takes, I’m in it all the way to see what He’s planned for me. “For I know the plans I have for you, “declares the LORD,” plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
I know whose waiting for me at the finish line….and until He calls me home I will continue to push forward where I’m planted, while He cheers me on. So while I’m living for today, I want to live for my life eternal. I’m not perfect, and I’ll make mistakes, but ya know what? God already knew that and He gives me grace and loves me anyways!! How awesome and amazing is that?!
Whatever you’re facing, whatever trial seems too much for you, is not too hard when you grasp onto the hands of Jesus. Claim Him as your Savior and watch what He will do. You won’t want to miss one second of what He has for you. This life needs you and believe it or not, someone needs the gifts you have to offer. Choose life my friends. Choose Christ!!
Father God I just pray that for anyone reading this, they realize they are not a mistake, that you made them for a purpose and no matter what they have done, You are there with forgiving arms. Nothing is wasted Lord and nothing is too hard for You. You are the master and creator of ALL things, including your precious children and this precious child…(insert your name here). I lift…(insert your name here) up to you Lord and claim Your love, comfort and peace wash over and in them, right now as they seek you. You love us so much Lord, You gave Your one and only Son to die for us, to remove our sins, and I pray this precious child understands You love them beyond anything they could ever imagine. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
Blessed to be Broken 
I am finding it hard to write the words on my heart this moment, but please know that when I say “I get it”, I get it. I remember all too well those feelings. I remember all too well the desperation. I love you my friend, and am so glad to have met you this side of salvation. Be blessed this day, and each day hereafter.
The tears blurring my vision are also releasing the pressure valve in my heart. Once again the Holy Spirit has used you, my dear friend, to snap me back. Phrases like “How’d she know?” or “How didn’t I know?” twirl in my mind. My hands are raised to Jesus for my thoughts to hear Him and not me…or my memories…or the enemy. Awesome and almighty He is. Thank you, thank you.
I just don’t see an end to the feelings I have other than death.I have tried to kill myself and failed. Trying to get help is so hard as you have to wait so long for a doctor. Pain from all my medical problems makes me sick but a lot of the doctors say it is in my head just like last night in the ER.Left there in tears because they don’t know the answer. I just want to go to bed and not talk to anyone. I’m tired my mind is tired and my body is tired. I get my Bible open read a little about how God loves us and cry and give up again and again. Thank you.
Mel, it grieves my heart that you’re feeling this way. I know about not wanting to get out of bed and not wanting to talk to anyone. Usually when I feel that way I know I’ve been spending too much time in my own head. While it’s not easy i know I need to get away from me and step out into serving others. I can normally find something through my church. It doesn’t solve everything, but it lets me focus on something bigger than myself. I’m so glad you opened your Bible to read what your Heavenly Father has to say to you about how much He loves you! He’s all around you. Are you looking for Him? I thank God for you and want you to know I care very much about you and will be praying for healing, peace, comfort and discernment for you. Don’t give up Mel. You are worth far more here to so many more than you know. Trust that this is only a season and whatever it is, God will not fail you. He is with you and He loves you!