Blessed to be Broken

God's not finished with me yet!

You Can Let Go Now

I’m going to blame the video I watched of a heavily weighed down sheep being shorn due to neglected wool overgrowth, on the dream I had last night.

I dreamt I was running around all over the place looking for a way to put my hair up. I was carrying around a set of my old military uniforms and going from room to room looking for ways to secure my hair bun.

I frantically searched drawers, sifted through piles of junk on tables, and went from person to person looking for anything that would help set my hair.

On top of that, I was late to whatever event I was supposed to be attending. and I still needed to change into my uniform. Life was happening all around me but I couldn’t focus on anything but my hair.

But wait, it gets better. I also dreamt about a big ape also trying to fix it’s long, unkept hair and as it was messing around with it, just like with the matted sheep wool, there was all kinds of grossness stuck deep inside. This part is hard to describe. And like I said, it was gross. I’m literally sitting here typing with a scowl of my face.

We all have messiness in our lives. Sometimes it’s visibly apparent in the way we react to outside stimuli and other times, it’s tucked so deep, and hurts so much, we do our best to leave it alone. As if whatever that messy, unkempt thing we’re hiding will go away on its’ own.

I don’t profess to know what dreams mean but I love to journal them down when I remember them. I have some doozies. Have you ever dreamt something so real, you wake up crying?

My ex-husband used to talk and act out in his sleep. I recall two different times he freaked me out with his sleep antics.

One time he sat straight up in bed, and reached his hands and arms to the ceiling. Needless to say, this made me sit straight up in bed too. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Ummm, what are you doing?

Jay: I’m saving you.

Me: What are you saving me from?

Jay: The picture is falling

I then took a look around the room and looked for any falling pictures. There were none.

Me: Ummm, it’s ok. The picture’s not falling. You fixed it.

Jay: Are you sure?

Me: Yes, I’m sure. You can let go now.

Jay: Ok. Good.

Then he dropped his arms, laid back down and slept soundly the rest of the night. He didn’t remember any of it. But, seriously, how do you forget something like that? All day long the following day, I was on the lookout for falling pictures.

Years later we still laughed about this dreamtastrophe. I always thought it was sweet that he was saving me from that dastardly falling picture. Funny, I don’t think I ever told him that part.

Jay wouldn’t let go of that picture until he thought I was safe. I mean, that’s the point of being a savior right? They keep doing whatever it takes to make sure you’re ok. Unfortunately, human saviors are limited to what they can do. They can’t save your soul. That’s not their job.

That job belongs to Jesus Christ. He’s the One who took on death and overcame the grave. He’s the Savior of the world and anytime we try to take His place, we fail miserably.

See, I didn’t create whoever it is I try to save with my grand ideas of how things should be done. My purpose for anyone’s life other than my own will usually look like what I want for them. What I think is best.

Let me just say, I struggle getting through my own day to day. Why on earth would I want to take on someone else’s life? That’s a rhetorical question, by the way. But, it’s usually because it’s easier to focus on their mess over the mess in my own yard.

You know what’s pretty awesome when I let go and let God? God, helps me. He shows me how to help someone. Help is way different than control. Just saying.

No where in the Bible does it tell me to control another adult human being. Somewhere along the line, I learned that behavior.

All attempts in controlling someone else always leads to feelings of frustration, anger, and resentment. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Am I right?

It’s absolutely okay to help and love others. That’s a beautiful thing.

It’s not okay to try and control and manipulate others. That doesn’t make you powerful. It does just the opposite and shows how weak you are over the mess in your own life. Can you say bully? Bullies act out from their own insecurities. It’s a way of attempting to gain some form of control over out of control situations.

My messes always look worse thrown on someone else. Is it any wonder, Jesus says to come to Him? He’s not flawed. He has nothing to prove. He has no hidden agenda. He doesn’t suffer from abandonment issues. He’s Justice and Righteousness. He loves you with an everlasting love.

He doesn’t need to climb every mountain or swim every ocean just to fix what’s broken. His dying on the cross took care of all of that. He was broken for our transgressions. He’s the One who’s outstretched arms saved you. Best part, He doesn’t want to control or manipulate you. He just wants to love you.

Whatever mess you’ve got going on inside, He’s ready for you to give it Him. If you’re weary from the internal struggle, beloved, it’s safe, you can let go of that burden now. Jesus is waiting.

Just a little reminder, you’re loved, you’re seen, and you’re not forgotten.

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It took one God to create the entire earth into being and everything in it.

It took one serpent to entice one woman to eat one fruit from one tree and pass that one fruit to one man to create sin.

It took one brother to kill another brother to create murder.

It took one Savior to come down from Heaven to touch the earth with His grace and glory.

It took one virgin to give birth to one Savior.

Throughout the Bible there are many stories of what just one can do with the One.

It took one shepherd boy to take down one Goliath with one stone.

It took one queen to save the Jewish people from perishing under the edict of one man.

It took one man to build an ark.

It took one man to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

It took one woman at the well to spread the good news.

It took one man to betray Jesus.

It took one death to break the veil.

It took one resurrection to overcome death.

It took this one death….one sacrifice to take away ALL the sins of the world.

Jesus Christ is the truth, the way, and the life.  He is the Alpha, and the Omega. The beginning and the end.  The first and the last.  He is I Am.

For such a time as this….we are now the one He’s called.  We have a purpose, we have a mission, we have a calling, and we only have right now.  Don’t let one second, turn one minute, into one day, that never happens.

Right now, this is your life. Right now, He’s in control. Right now, He knows what you’re doing, what you’ve done, what you’re going to do and not going to do.

He’s placed you here, where you are, in the midst of His purpose. Straight up, your life is not your own, you only have one life to live, and let’s throw in you only live once…shout it out…YOLO.   So what are you waiting for…..yes, you…. You. Are. That. One.

So, what’s your one?

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Choose Life


Every time I hear someone say…”I just don’t understand how someone could commit suicide,” I admit, I cringe just a little.  I guess for those who say that, they’ve never felt the desolation, the isolation, the…just make it stop, so it doesn’t hurt anymore pain.

Did I ever think for a second that I would find myself in such a place of darkness? No.  Did I say the same things about people who commit suicide?  Things like “it’s the ultimate selfish act,” or “there’s just too many places to seek and get help for anyone to get to that point,” or “somebody should have been paying closer attention…” yep, I sure did. So color me surprised when I was inches away from committing that “ultimate selfish act.”

What happened? How did I get to a place where I thought death would be better than living?  Years…it took years.  Too many years trapped in my own head with the same “voices” repeating my failures over and over.  Those thoughts squashed any successes I should’ve held closer and celebrated.

My actions caused me great pain, which led to great shame, which led to, in my head, believing I had only one way out.  No one knew.  I hid it well.  I for sure, didn’t go around talking about it.  I didn’t take any steps to prepare for it, didn’t prepare a will or write a note, it all just came to a head and I just wanted the pain gone.  I didn’t stop to consider anything else.  Nothing and no one else mattered.  The pain was just too overwhelming and I was tired of putting on the “I’m fine” façade.

At the time I was still in the military.  I attended all kinds of training about “how to” help someone or “how to” spot the signs of someone “in trouble.”  Maybe it was in that training I learned what not to show others.  I knew who I could go to, and I knew if I did what it could cost my career if I admitted such a thing.  I wasn’t going to be “that” person everyone whispered about when it came to my mental health.   How sad that I cared more about those things than I did in taking care of me.

Thankfully, my plans didn’t prevail.  God stepped in and showed me a better way.  God helped me see the person He sees and He’s showing me the person He created me to be.  This too has taken years, but I was a hot mess and there’s lots to reverse.  However long it takes, I’m in it all the way to see what He’s planned for me.  “For I know the plans I have for you, “declares the LORD,” plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

I know whose waiting for me at the finish line….and until He calls me home I will continue to push forward where I’m planted, while He cheers me on.  So while I’m living for today, I want to live for my life eternal.  I’m not perfect, and I’ll make mistakes, but ya know what?  God already knew that and He gives me grace and loves me anyways!!  How awesome and amazing is that?!

Whatever you’re facing, whatever trial seems too much for you, is not too hard when you grasp onto the hands of Jesus.  Claim Him as your Savior and watch what He will do.  You won’t want to miss one second of what He has for you.  This life needs you and believe it or not, someone needs the gifts you have to offer.  Choose life my friends.  Choose Christ!!

Father God I just pray that for anyone reading this, they realize they are not a mistake, that you made them for a purpose and no matter what they have done, You are there with forgiving arms.  Nothing is wasted Lord and nothing is too hard for You.  You are the master and creator of ALL things, including your precious children and this precious child…(insert your name here).   I lift…(insert your name here) up to you Lord and  claim Your love, comfort and peace wash over and in them, right now as they seek you.  You love us so much Lord, You gave Your one and only Son to die for us, to remove our sins, and I pray this precious child understands You love them beyond anything they could ever imagine. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Rascal Flatts – Why

Choose Life–Big Tent Revival




I was sitting in the craft room at my computer no doubt doing something of no real value when I felt this nudge….“confess.”  In my head I said “I’m sorry, #saywhat?” I looked around the room as if someone were there whispering from the hallway.  Nothing.  So, I shook my head and went back to what I was doing and then it came again…..”confess.”  My heart started to beat rapidly and I’m pretty sure I was holding my breath when I said in my head, a little more timidly this time, “#saywhat?” and now there was no doubt; God was telling me it was time to “confess.”   

I pondered what I should do about this “nudge” which now felt more like a full-on assault. I knew what I needed to confess was more than just a “little” sin.  In my mind, this was huge, this was “lives” changing and this could never be taken back once it was out there. There were gonna be serious consequences and I played all of them in my mind and none of them were gonna be pretty.  It’s done; it’s in the past, what good could come from any of this coming out now after all these years?  “Seriously Lord, I can’t wanna do this.”

I thought when I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior, got baptized and started walking in the ways of the Lord, I would just be able to shake off that prison. I mean I was forgiven, right? I was a new creation in Christ and I was forgiven.  Total truth!! Problem was, the Lord forgave me, but the past regrets and fear of one day being found out kept me from forgiving myself and moving forward.  I pushed my chair away from the computer and defiantly walked away. I started pacing the floor arguing the whys, and no-ways of how this was not going to be good for anyone least of all me.  I worried about the past catching up with me and letting the lies be found out by the very people I sinned against. Nope, absolutely no good could come from such a confession.

I don’t know why I argue with God.  He will win when you want to live the life He has planned for you.  What I didn’t know or truly understand was sometimes you will be found in a place where you will have to be radically obedient to what He says.  This was one of those times.

Hands shaking, tears already welling up in my eyes, I sat down to type one of the scariest letters of my life.  You see, I was a wife..not once, but three times.  During those days there was no personal relationship with the Lord there was pretty much only self gratification.  I was a good wife, but, gulp, I wasn’t a faithful wife.  I gave no heed to the commandment “thou shalt not commit adultery.”  So in not paying heed to that commandment, I also broke many more.  I would like to say I didn’t commit murder, but in fact I had murdered a spirit…mine.  I walled myself in; built an emotional fortress, cementing the wall with tears, pain, shame, guilt, anger, worthlessness, and loathing and no matter the forgiveness I knew the Lord gave, I just couldn’t get past what the lies were holding together.  Confess. Confess.  Confess.

It’s true you know….confession IS good for the soul.  It took time to tell all three of my ex-husbands what I had done and no, it wasn’t an overnight feeling of “I’m free,” but day by day the guilt lifted.  God knew what I needed. In my own strength there was no way I could have ever confessed, but He lovingly carried me through and continues to prune the garden of my heart, pulling the weeds and filling the cracks with His everlasting love.  I think I’ll take love over guilt any day!  Best part….the enemy no longer has that foothold in my life.  It’s crushed under my feet and I stand firm on the rock that is my God.


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