Blessed to be Broken

God's not finished with me yet!

Right On Time

How is it dreams can be so realistic they make your heart hurt? That’s the kind of dream I had last night. Someone from my past had deeply hurt me…again. Sigh.

On top of the person from the past, dream hurting me, let’s just add a new person into the dream mix too. This new person made a promise and broke it in a hurtful way.

I tearfully confronted her. She got indignant. I plead with her to help me understand why she broke her promise. Instead she cried tears of anger and said something to the effect that when she cries, the talking needs to cease. She started walking away. She was done trying to justify her actions.

I stood there in disbelief for a few moments before I started walking towards her. I asked her to wait. She turned towards me but then crumpled down, weeping. Hugging her knees she repeated that when she starts to cry, the talking needs to cease.

All I could muster up as I looked at her were the words, I love you. I woke up feeling gut punched and sad.

I laid in bed for a few more minutes processing the dream. Have you ever tried to make sense out of your dreams? I don’t usually get too far figuring them out. But I did resonate with a part of the dream.

The woman broke a promise.
She knew she did wrong.
She got indignant about it when confronted.
She wanted to ignore the pain she caused.
She crumpled up.
She cried.

That woman sounds an awful lot like me. And the one who kept chasing after the woman who did the hurting and showing compassion despite being hurt, sounds an awful lot like Jesus.

Lord, help me.

It doesn’t seem right that you’d tell someone who hurt you, “I love you”. It doesn’t fit in the world’s standard of karma’s coming for you. You’ll get what you deserve. It’s today’s version of an eye for an eye.

But Jesus. He got hurt. He had emotions. He was fully God, yet fully man. He felt pain, sorrow, joy, anger, and love. He was betrayed. Falsely accused. Ridiculed. Whipped. Spit on. Given a death sentence. There’s not a single thing we’ve experienced that Jesus didn’t go through. The circumstances may not be the same, but the results are.

Jesus being a man and being among us is a way for us to relate to Him being human. To understand just how much God wanted a relationship with us.

When we do wrong against Him, it’s easy to be indignant in our sin. It’s easy to carry on like we did nothing wrong. Especially when society screams for us to do things this or that way.

It’s easy to turn and walk away from Jesus. I know. I did it for years. But, not once, did Jesus leave me. He was always there. I can look back and see the people He placed in my path. His people. His children.

And when I was done, walking away from Him. He called my name. I crumpled down in a heap of tears and pain so deep in my soul that I couldn’t even speak. I didn’t need to. He spoke.

Let me show you one of the many love verses Jesus has spoken into my heart:

And when I passed by again, I saw that you were old enough for love. So I wrapped my cloak around you to cover your nakedness and declared my marriage vows. I made a covenant with you, says the Sovereign Lord, and you became mine.” ~ Ezekiel 16:8 (NLT)

Did you catch that first sentence? Don’t miss that He passed by “again”. He waited. And when He saw I was finally ready to accept Him, He made a covenant with me and called me His.

I always thought I came late to the Christian party. But, it was always going to be His time. The time in between, we were writing my testimony for His glory.

Maybe you think it’s too late to give yourself over to a Savior who loves you. Maybe you think you’re too “far gone,” or maybe you think, not even Jesus could love you after what you’ve done. Let me assure you, none of those things are true.

He’ll keep pursuing. Why? Because He wants all His children in Heaven with Him. He doesn’t want a single one to perish in the pits of Hell.

I’m ever so thankful Jesus never left me. Yes, there were things in my life that were permitted. Yes, they caused me great pain, but every day, He works in me to bring about His redemptive story. And He will continue until the work is done.

He’s true to His Word. He will never leave us or forsake us. Jesus loves you, this I know. Not only because the Bible tells me so, but because I’m living proof. Pssst….so are you.

Be blessed! God’s doing new things! Do you see it? I hope so.


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You Can Let Go Now

I’m going to blame the video I watched of a heavily weighed down sheep being shorn due to neglected wool overgrowth, on the dream I had last night.

I dreamt I was running around all over the place looking for a way to put my hair up. I was carrying around a set of my old military uniforms and going from room to room looking for ways to secure my hair bun.

I frantically searched drawers, sifted through piles of junk on tables, and went from person to person looking for anything that would help set my hair.

On top of that, I was late to whatever event I was supposed to be attending. and I still needed to change into my uniform. Life was happening all around me but I couldn’t focus on anything but my hair.

But wait, it gets better. I also dreamt about a big ape also trying to fix it’s long, unkept hair and as it was messing around with it, just like with the matted sheep wool, there was all kinds of grossness stuck deep inside. This part is hard to describe. And like I said, it was gross. I’m literally sitting here typing with a scowl of my face.

We all have messiness in our lives. Sometimes it’s visibly apparent in the way we react to outside stimuli and other times, it’s tucked so deep, and hurts so much, we do our best to leave it alone. As if whatever that messy, unkempt thing we’re hiding will go away on its’ own.

I don’t profess to know what dreams mean but I love to journal them down when I remember them. I have some doozies. Have you ever dreamt something so real, you wake up crying?

My ex-husband used to talk and act out in his sleep. I recall two different times he freaked me out with his sleep antics.

One time he sat straight up in bed, and reached his hands and arms to the ceiling. Needless to say, this made me sit straight up in bed too. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Ummm, what are you doing?

Jay: I’m saving you.

Me: What are you saving me from?

Jay: The picture is falling

I then took a look around the room and looked for any falling pictures. There were none.

Me: Ummm, it’s ok. The picture’s not falling. You fixed it.

Jay: Are you sure?

Me: Yes, I’m sure. You can let go now.

Jay: Ok. Good.

Then he dropped his arms, laid back down and slept soundly the rest of the night. He didn’t remember any of it. But, seriously, how do you forget something like that? All day long the following day, I was on the lookout for falling pictures.

Years later we still laughed about this dreamtastrophe. I always thought it was sweet that he was saving me from that dastardly falling picture. Funny, I don’t think I ever told him that part.

Jay wouldn’t let go of that picture until he thought I was safe. I mean, that’s the point of being a savior right? They keep doing whatever it takes to make sure you’re ok. Unfortunately, human saviors are limited to what they can do. They can’t save your soul. That’s not their job.

That job belongs to Jesus Christ. He’s the One who took on death and overcame the grave. He’s the Savior of the world and anytime we try to take His place, we fail miserably.

See, I didn’t create whoever it is I try to save with my grand ideas of how things should be done. My purpose for anyone’s life other than my own will usually look like what I want for them. What I think is best.

Let me just say, I struggle getting through my own day to day. Why on earth would I want to take on someone else’s life? That’s a rhetorical question, by the way. But, it’s usually because it’s easier to focus on their mess over the mess in my own yard.

You know what’s pretty awesome when I let go and let God? God, helps me. He shows me how to help someone. Help is way different than control. Just saying.

No where in the Bible does it tell me to control another adult human being. Somewhere along the line, I learned that behavior.

All attempts in controlling someone else always leads to feelings of frustration, anger, and resentment. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Am I right?

It’s absolutely okay to help and love others. That’s a beautiful thing.

It’s not okay to try and control and manipulate others. That doesn’t make you powerful. It does just the opposite and shows how weak you are over the mess in your own life. Can you say bully? Bullies act out from their own insecurities. It’s a way of attempting to gain some form of control over out of control situations.

My messes always look worse thrown on someone else. Is it any wonder, Jesus says to come to Him? He’s not flawed. He has nothing to prove. He has no hidden agenda. He doesn’t suffer from abandonment issues. He’s Justice and Righteousness. He loves you with an everlasting love.

He doesn’t need to climb every mountain or swim every ocean just to fix what’s broken. His dying on the cross took care of all of that. He was broken for our transgressions. He’s the One who’s outstretched arms saved you. Best part, He doesn’t want to control or manipulate you. He just wants to love you.

Whatever mess you’ve got going on inside, He’s ready for you to give it Him. If you’re weary from the internal struggle, beloved, it’s safe, you can let go of that burden now. Jesus is waiting.

Just a little reminder, you’re loved, you’re seen, and you’re not forgotten.

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