Blessed to be Broken

“We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.” ~ 2 Corinthians 4:7 (NLT)

This morning as I sat with God processing some childhood pain, I got the image of a glowstick. If you’ve ever used a glowstick, you know that before it shines, it has to break. You do this by applying gentle pressure to the center of the outside of the stick. Then the inside of the stick breaks which allows chemicals to mix and create the glow. You can hear the breaking of the insides.

When we’re “broken” on the inside, lots of things happen to our bodies that we don’t necessarily get to “see.” But, we definitely feel. We store the pain. We shove it under a rug, and we keep stepping on that rug hoping no one will see what’s hiding under there. We then carry that pain wherever we go. In ways we don’t even consciously recognize, we pass our pain onto and sometimes into others.

Pain manifests itself in many ways. Addiction. Anger. Self-hate. Self-abandonment. Self-harm. Stress. Panic attacks. And that’s just to name a few. Pain attacks our brains in ways we are just now truly learning about.

One of the things I’m learning is that pain is not where my story ends, but where it begins. I can either embrace the pain, and hold onto it, or I can recognize the pain, and process through it. Grace is what’s needed here. Not more self-condemnation for not knowing what to do with the pain that either I caused or that was passed onto me which I then internalized and made it my pain too.

Remember, in this case, I’m owning I’ve caused pain to others. That was my pain acting out like a turbulent teen who got stuck and had no clue how to process it.

How did I process it? The way I learned how to as was thrown down to me. Despite saying I’d never do the things that happened to me to anyone else, I inevitably carried forward things I abhorred. You could say I resembled the Tasmanian devil from Bugs Bunny. I whirled around collecting and spewing all manners of things, leaving behind remnants of my pain, while still holding onto all the pain.

Was I all bad? No. Of course not. But, my pain needed an outlet and sometimes that took precedence over everything else. In the mix of all that pain, was a funny, smart, kind, and loving person.

See, through all the crap, God never changed His mind about me. He loved me before He created me. He loves me still. What happened once I was born, well, that’s part of being in a world fraught with sin.

The fact is, we can pass down pain through generation after generation. Maybe not in the same exact way as we were taught, but most certainly in ways that are an extension of what were taught.

This is more than a simple, “my parents were the problem” answer. Please know, I’m not saying their isn’t blame there, I’m just saying at some point, ownership of behavior and healing is ours.

Can I let you in on a little secret. Sometimes, I get tired of processing through the pain. It’s hard. It hurts. So, I quit and do things that aren’t awesome for me. I binge watch tv and call it entertainment. I eat things not great for me and call it comfort. I hide behind “I’m fine” and verbally beat myself up.

Like I said earlier, pain will manifest itself. Pain is not easier to overlook. The ramifications of allowing it to fester can take months, even years to recover from.

I once read somewhere that we need to choose our hard. Maybe that’s what it means to take up our cross. But, I think there’s a better way. Because seriously, who’s gonna choose hard? Doesn’t hard sometimes stop us right in our tracks? How many times have I said, nope, that’s too hard, not gonna do it.

Romans 12:2 tell us to not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but to be transformed by the renewing of our mind.

I think in this stage of my life, instead of someone saying, “You can do hard things,” I’d rather hear, “You can do good things.”

Healing is a good thing that can be hard. It’s necessary for becoming all God created us to be. That longing in you? God is calling. That passion in you? God is calling? That hunger in you? God is calling? That fire in your soul? God is calling…you.

Our entire reason for being is to be loved by God. To receive that love, we have to come face to face with the things that haunt us. The things that have created a barrier between us and Him are no match for His great love. Grasping that kind of love only seems impossible because worldly love screams accept me based on performance. Bad performance, here’s a heaping pile of guilt and shame. Good performance, here’s a heaping pile of you can do better.

God’s love is based solely on the fact that your His child. Bad performance, He loves you. Good performance, He loves you. You simply cannot run from His love. His love is eternal. It doesn’t change, because He doesn’t change.

Those glowsticks I mentioned earlier, they can’t emit light forever. Eventually, the light goes out. The light was only good for that intended duration.

Guess what? We’re not glowsticks. Our light doesn’t come from the breaking up of mixed up chemicals. Our light comes from God and His light shines in and through us. In the breaking, in the healing, in the ashes, in the rubble, in the pain and the sorrow, and in the joy, His Light shines.

In order for me to remain glowy, I need to remain in Christ. Trying to stay glowy without Him, is futile. Eventually, I’ll be like the glowstick that runs out of light. But unlike the glowstick that eventually gets tossed, God has more for me. God has more for you. And the more He has for you, is good. Why? Because God is good…ALL the time.

It’s been awhile since I shared a song with you all. I recommend you find a quiet place to sit and just let God’s love wash over you as you listen. Warning, you might need tissues. I know I did. Much love and blessings to each of you. Let It Happen