A couple of women gave a testimony this past Sunday at church. While I couldn’t hear all of it, I believe I heard the words I was meant to hear. Words like disappointment, unbelief, and worry.
I call those types of words, heavy. If heavy words are allowed to fester into feelings they will drag our souls down to places we weren’t necessarily built for. If we sit with them long enough, they can change the way we see and do things. Maybe you know what I mean.
After church, I went to the store to get the fixings for Thanksgiving day. I heard a song by Elevation Worship called “Resurrecting”. I’ve heard this song a lot. Normally, you’ll catch me singing right along, but I was content to just listen to the words as they blared through the radio.
When they got to the part of the song where they sang the lyrics “The tomb where soldiers watched in vain” it was like a light bulb went off.
These lyrics come from the story in the Bible concerning the tomb where Jesus’ body was laid to rest after his crucifixion. You can read about it here in Matthew 27:62:66.
“The tomb where soldiers watched in vain.” For 3 days the tomb was guarded. I guess they thought they could stop what was going to happen. I wonder what they talked about? I wonder if they were worried, or scared, or prideful because of their position? So many questions. But two little words “in vain” were what grabbed my attention and set this brain into motion.
Whether that tomb was guarded for seconds, days, weeks, months, or years, the outcome was going to be the same. Jesus was going to rise despite their human efforts.
Did you ever feel like you could’ve stopped something in someone else’s life before it happened? I believe the soldiers watching in vain thought they could stop people from coming to steal the body of Jesus. But I don’t believe they could’ve ever thought or imagined what was really going to happen.
Last night I was watching tv. Have you ever watched tv and talked back to the characters in the show? I do it all the time and last night was no exception. As if my commentary is going to change how the show will go. Just like the soldier’s standing there in vain, so is my commentary.
Back to my tv trash talking. As I was relating to what was going on, I started talking. In this part of the show, the woman having been cleared of any wrongdoing couldn’t let go of the fact she felt responsible for the death of someone. I was so over her feeling responsible so I told her “get over yourself already, you’re not responsible.” Geez, Louize!
The moment the word “responsible” left my mouth, I felt in my spirit God said, you feel that way. Cue argument with God. “Excuse me?” So, I let Him show me.
You see, I’ve been feeling “meh” for a couple of months now. I’ve been asking, where is this coming from? I already knew disappointment was a huge part of it. Disappointed from the way my life has turned out thus far. Disappointed my son is not in life where I think he should be. Disappointed the illness I’ve had for 2 years is still lingering and the doctors can’t seem to figure out what’s wrong. You see where I’m going with this?
When you know what something is, you can start to deal with it. What’ the opposite of disappointment? For me it’s grateful.
If you’ve ever tried to turn from disappointment and grab onto grateful you know it’s not as easy as you think it’d be. If you’re not careful, you can turn not being able to instantly be grateful into disappointment. Crazy, right?
Anyways, back to last night’s revelation from my Heavenly Father. Five months ago my brother passed away. I still shake my head in disbelief that he’s no longer on this earth. I have moments where I just cry for a few minutes and then I remember my brother never liked to see others, sad. So, I stuff it down and put on a happy face. But the happy face doesn’t change that my soul is still sad. And that’s ok! It’s called grieving for a reason.
What’s not ok, is me thinking I’m somehow responsible for his death, or that I’m responsible for the choices my grown-up son, my friends, or family members make or have made. That type of responsibility is “in vain.”
A child who grows up in a chaotic, dysfunctional home will take on responsibility at an early age they were not built for. That same child who grows into adulthood will carry the weight of responsibility into every relationship.
It’s not uncommon for us to think we can fix everything if we pull the right rabbit out of the right hat. It’s exhausting to be the fixer of everything and everyone. It’s prideful to think anyone has that kind of power. More to the point, say it with me, it’s “in vain.”
Top Gun is one of my favorite movies. If you’ve not seen it, color me flabbergasted and know I’m about to spoil part of it for you. Goose dies from a plane crash that Maverick was flying. Before the plane crash, Maverick and Goose were best buds. The dynamic duo in the sky. Maverick was described as being “larger than life.”
After the plane crash, his demeanor changed. He didn’t want to fly anymore. Despite being cleared of any wrongdoing in the plane crash, Maverick still felt responsible for Goose’s death. I imagine he felt responsible that Goose’s wife and child would no longer have their husband/father in their life. He just took on a responsibility that wasn’t his.
Just like I did after my brother died. All the “what if’s” came after me. After all, he was my baby brother, I should’ve been able to prevent this travesty. Except his life was never in my hands. His life was not my responsibility. I was not the one who created him nor was I the one holding him up. I didn’t breathe life into his lungs. I didn’t form him in his mother’s womb. I didn’t see every part of his life. I didn’t know all he struggled with on this earth and for me to think in any way that I could’ve prevented or stopped his death, is, in vain. I did not number his days.
As those realizations hit me and tears streamed down my face, I knew I needed to say the words out loud. In order to release the burden I had placed on myself, I choked out the words “I’m not responsible.” Over and over, I repeated those words.
I imagine I’ll be repeating those words until my soul truly embraces them.
Maybe you feel responsible as well for something that wasn’t yours to take on. If so, may I suggest taking those thoughts to Jesus? A simple request to Him, “Lord, where is this “feeling” of “meh” coming from”? Why is my soul distressed?”
He may not show you right away, but trust that His timing will be perfect. Remember to thank Him for His faithfulness to show you and that you trust He will do as He promises. Only when God knows your ready, will He reveal what you’ve requested.
My friends, Jesus is the Savior of the world for a reason. He was built for it. He was sent down from Heaven by God to fulfill that very purpose. Even better, He’s the perfect person for the job.
Deciphering what you’re responsible for and letting go of what isn’t, will allow you to live the life God planned for you. Holding on to what isn’t yours will make your soul weary.
Father God, thank you for another day! Thank you for being all that we need and for showing us the way to go. May we be aware of what is our responsibility and let go of anything that’s not planned for us. May we trust that even though we get off track, You’ll place us back on the right path. May we know that You’re in control and to worry about anything is in vain. May we trust Your ways are higher and You know more than we ever could. May we stay humble and seek You in all things. In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen.
Have an amazing day, my friends. Be blessed!
Blessed to be Broken 