Circling The Drain
I feel a shift. Not a big or mighty shift. But a shift, nonetheless. It’s easy to see big, drastic changes. But it’s the small steps towards something that gets easily ignored, forgotten, or even dismissed. When in fact, those tiny steps forward should be celebrated.
Perhaps this shift is a new thought that interrupts, and inserts itself into the “same old” pattern of thinking. This new thought brings hope into a desolate situation. Except, the hopeful thought gets tossed to the side because the “nothing good ever happens” thoughts over power it.
I call those negative thought patterns, “circling the drain”. It’s like at any given moment we can be sucked down the pit of despair drain, but instead we ride the rim, hoping something will change, but dismissing any hopeful thought or movement toward change.
What happens next? The “what if’s” join the circle. Nasty little buggers. The “what if’s” allow the imagination to run wild with every possible “this will never work” scenario. They snatch hope away like the Grinch stealing all things Christmas, until there’s not even a piece of tinsel left.
Hopelessness then comes creeping in like the thief it is. This is the scariest of places. Hopelessness has a language and feeling all its own. It deceives and destroys. It robs you and doesn’t think twice or look back to see if you’re ok, because it could care less about you. It takes and keeps taking, until there’s nothing left to take.
I’ve been hopeless. I’ve been overrun by guilt, shame, self-loathing, and low self-esteem. I’ve looked at the reflection in the mirror and mentally abused myself. Which led me to physically abuse myself. Not in obvious ways…at first. Eventually, the lies of the enemy piled so high on top of me, I couldn’t or maybe I just didn’t want to see a way forward. I just wanted all the pain to stop.
Maybe you’ve been there. Maybe you’re there now. Words seem hollow. Simple actions are unbearably hard to achieve. Going through the motions is a chore. And if this is what life looks like, you no longer want any part of it. Whatever the reason(s), I’m so sorry.
The theme song to the tv show MAS*H is entitled “Suicide Is Painless”. I beg to differ. It’s anything but painless. It’s gut wrenching. It’s hope deferred. It’s dark, twisty, and hell bent on destruction. Suicide is not a stigma, it’s not selfish, and it’s nothing new. It has no rhyme or reason and anyone can be its victim. Race, religion, status, popularity, rich, or poor doesn’t matter. Suicide isn’t glamorous and it won’t “show them,” a thing.
I can’t make any promises, but I can say, from my own experience, that suicide is not the only option. There’s still ”life” to be had. There’s still more. But you have to decide your life has meaning and purpose. You have to decide to step away from the rim of the drain. You have to know, deep down, below the darkness, there’s still a light shining. Even if it’s a flicker, it’s still there.
You have to fight for you because yes, you are worth it. Let me repeat that..YOU are worth it!
Tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us. Seasons of life come and go. This moment in time is not your entire story. It’s just, right now. And right now, is all any of us have. In the blink of an eye, shift happens and life begins beyond this moment. Because time nor the world, my friend, stops for no one.
I guess what I want to say is, there’s always hope. You may have to dig to find it, but it’s there. Name one thing you can be grateful for and focus on that until you can think of the next thing, and then the next. There’s always, always something to be thankful for, as cliche as that sounds. If you weren’t supposed to be here, you wouldn’t be reading this.
And if no one has told you lately that you matter, please hear my heart when I tell you, YOU matter. And what I mean by that is, the world would not be a better place without you, nor would those left behind be better without you.
You are an intricately made, wonderfully complex, deeply loved person of effect. You, my friend, are a world changer. It all begins with a ripple. Remember always, greater is He that is in you, than he who is in the world.
Blessed to be Broken 