Blessed to be Broken

God's not finished with me yet!

The Way Out

I dreamt about you last night. You hadn’t changed a bit. It was as if time stood still for you. I woke from the dream and so many emotions hit me at once. I couldn’t fall asleep fast enough to make those feelings disappear.

In the dream I was hanging out with my friend. You came busting into my room just like you used to when I was growing up. You weren’t a tall man, but you had some girth. I’ll never know this side of heaven what happened in your life to you to make you so mean. But, you were good at it.

When you finished with your tirade of terror you simply left. My friend and I looked at each other in disbelief. She was visibly shaken. I said, typical, and off we went about our day.

You started terrorizing my friend and I with your abusive words. You shouted at us as if there was a busy intersection standing between us and you needed to be heard above the noise. Except, the room was quiet. My friend and I were frozen in fear. We made not a peep. We both knew better than to argue with a drunk. Your word spattering caused spittle to hit our faces. There was no more room left to back up into.

The next day you came back. Only this time, I was ready for you. I stopped you in your tracks. Seething inside, I got as close to you as I could. My face twisted in a mix of hurt and anger. I dug deep to get my courage up and I spoke with tears in the back of my throat, and false bravado on the tip of my tongue. There was no way you were gonna visibly see my pain.

I carefully chose my words, and told you, no more. You were not welcome here and to take your venomous hide and get out and don’t ever come back. For surely if you did, you’d find yourself behind bars where you belonged. Instantly, iron bars popped up between us and we glared at one another through the spacing. You turned and left the room. But, the bars remained. A noise from outside jarred me awake.

Funny thing about the iron bars in that dream. Until the offender left the room, I couldn’t tell who was behind them, until they left. That’s the thing about unforgiveness. The other person goes about their business and you’re left standing behind the bars. A prison of sorts that keeps you from fully living life.

The person in my dream, was my dad. He passed away years ago, yet the remnants of his unsolicited bouts of drunken rage, still creep in. It’s a stark reminder that some inner healing is still needed. I don’t think you can put a time limit on healing. I think it’s a slippery slope when we falsely believe that whatever the thing is that hurt you, should only take so much time.

I’ve heard if you’ve been in a relationship, and you break up, the amount of time to heal, is half the amount of time you were together. I’m not sure who said that first.

I can tell you, years ago I forgave my earthly Father. I remember crying for the person who I believed to have been so hurt, the hurt turned into rage. I cried for my family who suffered at the hands of that hurt. But, every so often, something crops up and I realize I need to forgive that piece.

That’s the thing isn’t it? The pain and hurt didn’t occur all at once. So why would we be inclined to think the remaining broken bits and pieces get put back together all at once?

No, it’s a journey. It’s not a marathon. It’s like those growing pains we experienced as our bodies grew. But, I can report that as I type this, I’m not crying. Im not holding back any tears. My insides don’t feel all twisted up inside and I have peace. I actually have joy. Despite the realism of the dream, my soul is at rest. That’s a huge win! H.U.G.E

The thing is, I had to work through ALL those painful things. Stuffing them down, glossing over them, and hiding behind humor, only delayed my healing. Facing them head on and getting them out of my system was the only way out of my destructive patterns.

I love when the Word of God finally clicks. Sometimes I read things in the Bible, and I’m like, what the?? But, since I know God’s Word doesn’t return void, is living and active, and will do what it sets out to do, and God is always working, I don’t dwell on what I don’t know…yet.

This morning, I finally got it. It’s not to say I didn’t comprehend what the apostle Paul wrote here, and each time I read it, but now I’ve experienced it. Hebrews 12: 1-3 says:

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

I firmly believe the race marked out for me in this season of my life is healing. To stop the madness of performing for love and acceptance and constantly doing more to prove my worth. To calm my inner self and shut my brain down from flight or fight mode, with Jesus at the helm.

To say this has been hard, is an understatement. It was learning to say no, and be ok with it. To say no, and not worry about how it affected others. But, also understanding that saying yes in certain instances would’ve been more damaging to my soul. Understanding it’s ok to put me first was not going to break the world, and others would survive. Because, let’s face it, I’m not the one holding any one up.

There’s really only one way out of that unforgiveness prison. You can try to shortcut the way around, but you’ll be missing pieces of the journey. Eventually the pieces you try to avoid will come back round. So, my advice, persevere and work through it all. Every last piece. However long it takes.

Your healing is in your hands. No one else is in charge of it. No one else is responsible for it. However long it takes is your testimony. God won’t quit, so don’t you quit. Why? Because you’re life was bought at a price. Jesus persevered through death so you could live! And He promises that He’ll continue to do the good work He started in you. (Philippians 1:6)

He’ll finish what He started. Hang in there friend, there’s so much light at the end of the tunnel.



I actually started this post last year in October. I got one paragraph in and quit. As I read over what I wrote, I nodded my head in remembrance. I thought since it was already a one word title, I’d go ahead and see how I could salvage this one.

Enough with the rain already. There’s been so much rain this year and today it’s scheduled to rain all day. I would’ve loved to send all this lovely rain to the west coast where it was needed, but here we are, soaked in rain. The streets, sidewalks and yards can’t even soak up any more rain. It’s just making puddles to every child’s delight. – October 2021

Today – March 8, 2022

It poured rain yesterday and winds whipped all around us. There were all kinds of warnings to go along with the wind and the rain. Flood warnings. Severe thunder storm warnings. High wind warnings. The tv flashed with red banner warnings and made that obnoxious squawking screech. The electricity flickered more than once to let us know it wasn’t happy with the weather either. Thankfully, it didn’t go out in my neck of the woods.

Outside, the ground squished under my feet and made sucking noises with each boot raise I made in my oh so fashionable polka dot rubber galoshes. High fashion at its’ best right here. The water had no where to go. It just sat on top of everything.

The ground’s not the only thing that can become soaked. Our clothes can become soaked if we stand too long in the rain or foolishly dive into a pool because our brains are soaked with too much alcohol. I may or may not know a thing of two about the latter.

This was not the turn I saw coming for this post, but I guess given today’s circumstances, this is where I’m going.

I have a lot of drunk stories. Did I ever tell you I once got drunk on perfume as a child? Apparently, I scooted my crib over to my parents dresser and drank a bottle of Tweed perfume. I got that bottle of perfume into my crib by pulling on the scarf the bottle was on. Clever little minx. My mom told me when I “woke” up from my nap I was walking into the walls. Sweet baby Jesus!

We make fun of the things drunk people do all the time. We laugh hysterically at comedians who imitate drunks. TV shows, movies and such glorify drinking. As if drinking some form of alcohol is the only way to make it through the day. If I said I didn’t laugh, I’d be lying.

But there’s a darker side to alcohol no one really wants to talk about. It’s too much of a downer. Talking about alcoholism and the negative effects on the body is tossed aside because getting drunk and blacking out is way more fun. Right? Why else would people keep repeating this insanity?

I can’t answer that question for you. I only know why I chose to daily drink copious amounts of alcohol.

At the time, I didn’t believe I had a problem. I liked the taste of beer and wine. I loved the way if made me feel. Like I didn’t have a care in the world. It calmed my brain and let me be who I thought I couldn’t be sober. It was all just a false sense of deranged reality. I bought into the lie that alcohol could make all the bad things disappear.

It didn’t make the bad things disappear, it only added to the bad things I didn’t want to face. Now I had shameful behavior added on top. What better way to deal with it all than by drinking more?

I always thought if I moved beyond beer and wine into the hard liquor realm, then and only then I’d have a problem. Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids!

Earlier today I found out another person in my life died from alcoholism. He knew better. He’d been previously hospitalized for it. When he got out of the hospital, he did ok, for a little while.

The last time I spoke to him, he was drunk. He asked me to pray for him. I asked him what he’d like me to pray for and his reply was simple; “everything”. Even now when I think of “everything” I think, how bad could things have been that his “everything” needed help.

I’m going to miss him and his laugh and the way he said “aboot” instead of about. The world didn’t lose a drunk. It lost a beautiful life that fell into an abyss and no matter how many times it fought back, it never truly made its way out.

My heart hurts. My soul screams, why?! But I know the answer. Deception is all around us, luring us into traps that slowly rock us into addicted slumber. Some will recover. Many more will never make it out alive.

For my friend, he lost the battle here on earth. But the war has been won as he’s now in Heaven. No more pain. No more sorrow. No longer soaked in alcohol. He’s now totally soaked in the love of Jesus and singing in a choir of angels. I hope he sings better up there than he did here. Lord have mercy! Fly high my beautiful friend. I’ll see you again, one day! Give my brother and my Gabby gurl a big ol’ hug.

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