I dreamt about you last night. You hadn’t changed a bit. It was as if time stood still for you. I woke from the dream and so many emotions hit me at once. I couldn’t fall asleep fast enough to make those feelings disappear.
In the dream I was hanging out with my friend. You came busting into my room just like you used to when I was growing up. You weren’t a tall man, but you had some girth. I’ll never know this side of heaven what happened in your life to you to make you so mean. But, you were good at it.
When you finished with your tirade of terror you simply left. My friend and I looked at each other in disbelief. She was visibly shaken. I said, typical, and off we went about our day.
You started terrorizing my friend and I with your abusive words. You shouted at us as if there was a busy intersection standing between us and you needed to be heard above the noise. Except, the room was quiet. My friend and I were frozen in fear. We made not a peep. We both knew better than to argue with a drunk. Your word spattering caused spittle to hit our faces. There was no more room left to back up into.
The next day you came back. Only this time, I was ready for you. I stopped you in your tracks. Seething inside, I got as close to you as I could. My face twisted in a mix of hurt and anger. I dug deep to get my courage up and I spoke with tears in the back of my throat, and false bravado on the tip of my tongue. There was no way you were gonna visibly see my pain.
I carefully chose my words, and told you, no more. You were not welcome here and to take your venomous hide and get out and don’t ever come back. For surely if you did, you’d find yourself behind bars where you belonged. Instantly, iron bars popped up between us and we glared at one another through the spacing. You turned and left the room. But, the bars remained. A noise from outside jarred me awake.
Funny thing about the iron bars in that dream. Until the offender left the room, I couldn’t tell who was behind them, until they left. That’s the thing about unforgiveness. The other person goes about their business and you’re left standing behind the bars. A prison of sorts that keeps you from fully living life.
The person in my dream, was my dad. He passed away years ago, yet the remnants of his unsolicited bouts of drunken rage, still creep in. It’s a stark reminder that some inner healing is still needed. I don’t think you can put a time limit on healing. I think it’s a slippery slope when we falsely believe that whatever the thing is that hurt you, should only take so much time.
I’ve heard if you’ve been in a relationship, and you break up, the amount of time to heal, is half the amount of time you were together. I’m not sure who said that first.
I can tell you, years ago I forgave my earthly Father. I remember crying for the person who I believed to have been so hurt, the hurt turned into rage. I cried for my family who suffered at the hands of that hurt. But, every so often, something crops up and I realize I need to forgive that piece.
That’s the thing isn’t it? The pain and hurt didn’t occur all at once. So why would we be inclined to think the remaining broken bits and pieces get put back together all at once?
No, it’s a journey. It’s not a marathon. It’s like those growing pains we experienced as our bodies grew. But, I can report that as I type this, I’m not crying. Im not holding back any tears. My insides don’t feel all twisted up inside and I have peace. I actually have joy. Despite the realism of the dream, my soul is at rest. That’s a huge win! H.U.G.E
The thing is, I had to work through ALL those painful things. Stuffing them down, glossing over them, and hiding behind humor, only delayed my healing. Facing them head on and getting them out of my system was the only way out of my destructive patterns.
I love when the Word of God finally clicks. Sometimes I read things in the Bible, and I’m like, what the?? But, since I know God’s Word doesn’t return void, is living and active, and will do what it sets out to do, and God is always working, I don’t dwell on what I don’t know…yet.
This morning, I finally got it. It’s not to say I didn’t comprehend what the apostle Paul wrote here, and each time I read it, but now I’ve experienced it. Hebrews 12: 1-3 says:
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”
I firmly believe the race marked out for me in this season of my life is healing. To stop the madness of performing for love and acceptance and constantly doing more to prove my worth. To calm my inner self and shut my brain down from flight or fight mode, with Jesus at the helm.
To say this has been hard, is an understatement. It was learning to say no, and be ok with it. To say no, and not worry about how it affected others. But, also understanding that saying yes in certain instances would’ve been more damaging to my soul. Understanding it’s ok to put me first was not going to break the world, and others would survive. Because, let’s face it, I’m not the one holding any one up.
There’s really only one way out of that unforgiveness prison. You can try to shortcut the way around, but you’ll be missing pieces of the journey. Eventually the pieces you try to avoid will come back round. So, my advice, persevere and work through it all. Every last piece. However long it takes.
Your healing is in your hands. No one else is in charge of it. No one else is responsible for it. However long it takes is your testimony. God won’t quit, so don’t you quit. Why? Because you’re life was bought at a price. Jesus persevered through death so you could live! And He promises that He’ll continue to do the good work He started in you. (Philippians 1:6)
He’ll finish what He started. Hang in there friend, there’s so much light at the end of the tunnel.
Blessed to be Broken 