guilt | Blessed to be Broken

Breaking-Up

by Trish Cordell

“Breaking up is hard to do” is the name of a song sung by Neil Sedaka back in the 70’s. No truer words have ever been spoken.

As I journey towards emotional and mental well being I’ve learned it’s hard, excruciatingly hard, to unlearn and break up with things that no longer, and in truth, have not ever served me well.

In a group friend session today we were asked what’s one thing you’d like prayer towards in your healing journey?

I said I’m in the process of letting go of the guilt of others. Let me explain.

As a sensitive child growing up in a dysfunctional home, I wanted peace for everyone. I seldom tended to my own emotions because I was so concerned on ways to help others feel better. It’s another reason why I didn’t want others to see me cry. I felt like I was placing another burden on top of an already toxic situation.

It didn’t help that when I brought up how I was feeling, it was pretty much dismissed. To include the time I broke my arm and I was sent to school anyway. It took a school nurses’ voice of concern to get my parents to hear “me’.

In essence these type of dismissals led me to feel unworthy of having feelings.

On the flip side, I was also the one who acted out. So much so, the doctor told my parents to tranquilize me. All she needs is a “little blue heart pill” as it was referred to and she’ll be calm. No one ever addressed the toxic home or the neglect.

I learned, I was the problem. Awesome, right?

As I grew older, in an effort not to be the one my Father would single out to verbally abuse, I’d stay holed up in my room. But, toxic has a way of getting past your boundaries and taking up residence where it doesn’t belong.

My role models were from those wholesome tv shows, that depicted perfect families. I know, I know, there are no perfect families…now.

When I ventured into the world and was considered a grown-up, I had all that mess inside I knew nothing about. When my own grown-up relationships failed to be “perfect” I’d mentally check out before I ever left physically.

Control, or that of perceived control was paramount to my well-being. So, when things didn’t look or feel “picture perfect” I took that as, I was failing. Then I’d lash out with anger to try and reign in the messy, uncontrolled parts of “my” life. Which included taking things out on my loved ones. Ugh!!

I’ve been several years under construction. Each day, I learn a bit more as God helps me towards healing.

Emotional neglect is something I’m learning now. Stuffing down any emotion is neglecting to honor what I’m feeling. Feelings are important to understand why something is happening inside.

What I’m learning is that I feel guilty for having my own feelings. It goes back to when I shoved my own feelings down as a child.

Not only do I feel guilty for my stuff, I feel guilty for those loved ones who may have made poor choices due to my own inability to function well.

Please understand, I know we all make mistakes and I will no doubt continue to make mistakes. Learning to heal is a process.

I know I’m not responsible for the choices others make, but in my thought process, if I could’ve done something better or differently, maybe the outcome would’ve been better. It’s only now, I realize it could’ve been worse.

No one else needs to validate how I’m feeling. No one else can tell me I shouldn’t feel a certain way.

When my nephew hurt my niece while playing, she cried. Not wanting to get in trouble, he told her to stop crying, because what he didn’t couldn’t have hurt her.

In essence he was telling her to shove the hurt down so he wouldn’t have to apologize and possibly get in trouble for roughhousing. Needless to say, since I was there, we talked it out and he apologized.

Kids don’t know how to process feelings. They need to be taught. They need to be allowed to express what’s happening. But, when grown-ups didn’t have a good example, they pass what they learned on, or they over compensate to the other side.

That’s what I did with my son. I overcompensated. I tried to make up for him not having his dad in his life. Some would say I “spoiled” him. I truly dislike that term by the way. But, that’s for another day. But, I would argue, I did the best I knew how to do with the information I had.

I felt guilty for what I thought he lacked. But, was the toxicity of our relationship any better for our son? No, it sure wasn’t. But that didn’t make me feel any less guilty for what I thought I did by getting divorced.

Guilt, my friends, is a hard task master. It’s not from God, and it’s a burden our tender frames were ever meant to bear. And yet, I’ve not ever met a person who has said they’ve never experienced guilt.

Guilt has been one the hardest things to break up with. Guilt stands in the way of my receiving God’s forgiveness. God’s grace is so much more than I know. God’s love is so much more than I know. And I will not experience all He has for me with the yoke of guilt around my neck.

Freedom from guilt is my prize. How do I get there? Not on my own. I need God to help me. I need Him to help me understand where my worth comes from. My worth, your worth, is not in guilt.

Our worth comes from knowing we are loved and created by a loving God. We’ve been set free to live an abundant life. Not a life wracked in emotional pain from past trauma. It’s up to us to do our part. We are worth the effort. We are worthy of love. We are worthy of being here. We are worthy to be healed and whole. Not because of who we are, but because of the love sacrifice made by Jesus.

Jesus thought we were worth dying for, why is it so hard for us to believe that truth? Maybe today, like me, you can take that step towards deeper healing and simply receive His love.

You don’t have to prove anything to God. That’s already been taken care of by the shed blood of Jesus.

Today is my break up day with guilt. It’s way overdue. I’m sure I’ll stumble, but I will persevere to freedom, because guilt is not my story’s ending. I’m praying for you to know it’s not your story’s ending either.

Breaking up is hard to do, but with God, ALL things are possible.

Uncategorized

Stay away from my husband…

by Trish Cordell

Even though it was a voice I had never heard over the phone or ever before for that matter, I knew she was hurt, angry, and territorial despite her trembling voice which gave away the fear behind her words.

I was doing something upstairs in my bedroom when my son came in and handed me my cell phone and said it was for me. I asked who it was and he didn’t know so I answered…”hello,” and she simply stated, “stay away from my husband.” My first thought was…which one…whose wife could this be? But she continued on and revealed the little bit of what was going on because she’d found an email between myself and her husband. Not my finest hour.

But you know what? After we hung up, these were my thoughts. Thank God my husband didn’t answer the phone and what was she doing calling me when she should have been talking to her husband? In my righteous indignation, I thought, “if she’d have been the wife he needed, he wouldn’t have come looking for me.” There, right there was my justification for being an intruder in someone else’s mess.

As the day wore on, I grew livid and even more indignant. How dare…how dare THIS man put MY marriage in jeopardy by being so stupid as to leave “evidence” out in the open for his wife to find? How dare she call me and try to put me in my place? Are you getting the irony of this? Do you see the problem here?

My day was spent with my heart doing a new little pittery pattery type of “how to cover my tracks” dance while I thought of ways to make this go away so my own marriage wasn’t affected. Ummm…too late. It was affected when I chose to step outside of the sacred marriage bond and smack onto Satan’s playground.

When I was a little girl, my family would go camping. If they couldn’t find me close by, my mom knew I had traveled to the women’s restroom so I could talk with whoever would listen. She told me she would either come herself or send one of my brothers to come get me. She knew I would be telling those souls who would listen how my daddy was drunk and my parents were arguing. Lord knows what else I may have babbled on about.

During the majority of my school years, I would be set off to the side at a table or desk by myself so I would keep quiet. Ummm…helllloooo, I wasn’t talking to myself, but it was me who invariably wound up separated from the pack.

I once got into a fist fight because of my never ending chatter. Nice way of saying gossip. I have a point.

Yes, I was an adulterer…a very brazen adulterer. I didn’t know my worth. I didn’t know my place. I didn’t understand the full affect of my actions. Yes, I knew right from wrong….however, when you hang with the adulterous crowd, the wrong fades into the background. Birds of a feather most certainly do flock together. But, in the end, I’m responsible for my actions. I own them.

Before you throw that proverbial stone my way, make sure your slate is clean. Would it make it better if you knew the destruction I brought into my own life? Would it be helpful to know the guilt, shame, and regret brought me to the point of a suicide attempt? Maybe you’re thinking….good, you reap what you sew. But my answer to that is, it matters not what you think. You weren’t there. You don’t know why it was permitted in my life.

What I do know is, its part of His redemptive story in me and just like all those years ago telling strangers about my parents arguing, I can’t keep silent about this any longer. It screams to be released and I won’t let it consume me any longer. I was meant for more. And if you find yourself in an adulterous relationship, in case no one has ever said this to you…let me say it. You were meant for more. You are worth so much more than being someone’s side dish. You deserve to be the main course.

I no longer dance on the devil’s playground. Being lulled into a honey trap of deceit, dishonesty, shame, and guilt wields no power only regrets.

These days I dance on God’s amazing dance floor. I have nothing to hide. I twirl and spin as He holds my hand and calls me redeemed, forgiven, precious, a jewel to behold and daughter of the One True King!! I owe Him everything because He gave His ALL for me. Let me tell you, this life….this resurrected life…a bazillion times better than I could have ever imagined. He is all that and beyond. He’s where I find my salvation and here is where I sit, at the foot of the cross where my sins are nailed and forgotten. No sin is worth my joy. Jesus…there’s my joy. Jesus….there’s my life.

If you need a little more insight…take a look at a story written long ago…

John 8:1-11~~“Jesus returned to the Mount of Olives, but early the next morning he was back again at the Temple. A crowd soon gathered, and he sat down and taught them. As he was speaking, the teachers of religious law and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery. They put her in front of the crowd.

“Teacher,” they said to Jesus, “this woman was caught in the act of adultery. The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?”

They were trying to trap him into saying something they could use against him, but Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with his finger. They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, “All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!” Then he stooped down again and wrote in the dust.

When the accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest, until only Jesus was left in the middle of the crowd with the woman. Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?”

“No, Lord,” she said.

And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”

Repent, ask forgiveness, and sin no more…yes, it can be that simple. Grace is the pardon for your jail time, but not a license not to change. “Go, and sin no more.” Means you’re not stuck in the pit you created. Means you have an out. Grab your “get out of jail” free card and live the life He created you for…live the beautiful life.

Uncategorized

7 Comments »

The Blame Game

by Trish Cordell

It’s been happening ever since we heard about Adam and Eve. Eve blamed the serpent for eating the fruit she was forbidden to eat, Adam blamed Eve and the serpent and so it begins. But, did you notice what happened to Eve? How about Adam? Did Adam get away with what Eve “made” him do? Did he suffer a less consequence because Eve ate the forbidden fruit first, or did he suffer the consequence of his own actions? If you answered that he suffered the consequence of his own actions, then, ding, ding, ding….you win.

No one wins in the blame game. When I stand in front of my Father, will whoever I chose to blame for my actions be standing with me on judgment day? I think not. But, how funny would that be to glance over and see my accomplice or scapegoat and point and proclaim…”it was all their fault.” Do I really think I could stand in front of Him, He without sin and say… “that sin of adultery was soooo not my fault. No, no, no, I was drunk and soooo…..yea….the alcohol brought down my inhibitions and well, I wasn’t in my right frame of mind. And, hellooo, let me just add I didn’t commit adultery by myself….after all, I had a partner. You saw that, right? They took advantage of ME.” Insert Cheshire cat like grin here because I was just ever so clever justifying my sin away.

Better not get too comfortable patting myself on the back because I’m pretty sure the blame game might “work” here on earth, but I’m for certain it ain’t a gonna fly with the One who very specifically said…”Thou shalt not.” There’s a whole list of those pesky “Thou shalt nots.” They’re very specific and geared for our safety and well being. When was the last time you took a good look at His Commandments? Break one, break them all. Sin is sin, no matter how big or how small. You can’t ignore it, you can’t justify it, and you can’t blame anyone or anything else. You have to be able to stand on your own merit and claim it. Otherwise, how do you repent? How do get the forgiveness He wants to give you? How do you live the life He wants for you? Oh, that’s right, you don’t!!

What sin are you holding onto by blaming someone or something else? As you read that, did something “pop” into your head? It’s there because you can’t wish or will it away. It will always come back until you lay your claim to it, repent and seek forgiveness from the Only One who can wash away that which takes up negative space in your being. I say being, because sin doesn’t just affect your head. It affects your health, and it affects the person you can’t be because you’re too worried that someone may find out your “dirty little secret.” How exhausting is that?!! Trying to constantly hide behind your sin is no way to live. Oh, the enemy loves for you to live your life this way. In fact, he hopes you get totally reconciled with your sin so that you can do the next bad thing that will put you even more under his control. I don’t know about you, but I never want to be OK with my sin. I want it gone. Confession is good for the “soul.” If it’s good for the soul, it’s totally good for you and those around you!! May not be easy to stand on your sin, but it’s gonna be way easier than carrying it with you where ever you go. Time to get out from under that mess and get your life back on track. Let go, and let God!!