Blessed to be Broken

This past weekend, I attended a womens conference with some good friends at one of our local area churches. It was a 2-day event filled with some of the top Christian leaders and a couple of local speakers.

The theme of the event was “Because of Jesus”. I was excited to be amongst a throng of women thirsty to get closer to Jesus. There’s just something beautiful when women come together to worship King Jesus.

I realize I said the name of Jesus a lot in the previous paragraph, but really, can you say His name too much? I think not.

As I looked around the event room, women, made in the image of our Creator lifted their hearts, hands, and cares to their Heavenly Father.

As music and words entwined and danced together, a joyous noise was sent up to Heaven. No doubt the aroma was pleasing to our most holy and almighty God.

Typically, this would bring tears of joy to my eyes. All I felt, was “meh”. What’s that mean exactly? So glad you asked. For me it meant, I wasn’t enthused. I was there, but my heart was tepid.

The repetition of the song lyrics had me rolling my eyes and wanting the song to be over already. In my head beautiful lyrics being sung resounded as “blah, blah, blah” in my head.

I looked up to the Heavens and I silently said, “I’m here Lord, I’m just not sure where I am.”

Over the course of the 2-day event, many a speaker passionately spoke to the accolades and love of Jesus. I listened. I dutifully took notes.

Occasionally when my brain wandered I looked at my friend’s notes and copied what she wrote, like I was a kid back in high school.

I have to tell you, this event is very well planned and put together. From the vendors, the food, the speakers, the music, and a cozy spot for you to take photo’s with your friends. They do a phenomenal job being the hostesses with the mostest!

It wasn’t the event that was the problem.

As Taylor Swift would sing, “It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem. It’s me”. And yes, I totally sang that out loud.

What exactly was the problem? I dunno. I wish I could say I got a word from on high that lit up my soul. Yet, nothing from the conference lightning struck my heart.

I was in a melancholy kind of place and if I’m honest, I was content there. Even more honest, I’ve been here awhile.

In my daily activities, I get up in the morning, feed my dog, make my coffee, drink my water, do my devotionals, and Bible reading. I scroll through social media, binge watch tv, and mostly get the obligatory steps in for the day.

There’s other things I do, but I think you get the big picture.

In this place, I didn’t really journal much. I felt like I should be journaling, but I was also “meh” about that. More like bored with it all. Life just kinda rolled by, day by day.

Let me make this part perfectly clear. When I said I was the problem, I didn’t mean, I was a problem that needed to be solved. I’m not algebra.

I meant, something deeper was happening in me, and when I asked the Lord to show me, I heard nothing but crickets. It also means, I didn’t really care to know. Yikes! I know. But, it’s ok!

I think the pressure of doing and becoming more, comes with its own set of good and bad.

The difference between the two will typically show up when you’re overwhelmed and burnt out from all the doing and the becoming.

Getting quiet in these “in your face” days can be hard. Nothing will show you faster how much your mind spins then when you try to get quiet.

What happens when you don’t want to hear what comes from the quiet? Nothing. Nothing happens, nothing changes. You just keep going and going like you’re the Energizer Bunny, until you’re depleted.

I can’t say I felt depleted. But I did feel, I was running on low. My battery light was definitely blinking.

I’m not a good “fake it till you make it” kind of gal. Putting on a show is not part of my wheelhouse. I find that all too exhausting. It’s not that I don’t know how to do that, I choose not to do it.

How am I going to get out of “meh”? I gotta get back to the basics. I gotta get quiet. I gotta answer God’s age old question that He said to Adam and Eve in the garden when they hid from Him.

Where Am I? Obviously, physically, I’m here. Mentally? Spiritually? They’re harder to put my finger on.

Mentally? I’ve worn myself out over a circumstance in my life. I know how to hide this type of thing well. Instead of doing anything about, I procrastinate. That’s always worked so well for me in the past, she said sarcastically.

I can’t honestly say if this was a circumstance of my own making or if God led me here. So, because I couldn’t decipher that part, and because I didn’t feel like God was in it, I sat my happy butt down and proclaimed my couch my throne.

Hello! Pity party of one can be found in the living room, on the couch, hoping solutions would just present themselves, at her doorstep.

That has yet to work out. Just saying.

And ya know what I’ve learned living on my own. No one is gonna force me to do anything. The only one here, is me.

As far as any problem I have is concerned, I can talk about it. I can cry over it. I can ignore it. I can wish for things to magically fix it. I can pray about it. I can play the blame game. I mean, I did inherit these issues.

But, until I took tangible steps to move forward, I was gonna stay right where I was. Not moving back, not moving forward.

“Oh, woe is me,” she said as she dramatically placed the backside of her hand to her forehead and feigned “the vapors“.

No, it was time to, as they say, ahem, to pull my big girl panties up, and get off the sidelines. The game of life waits for no one. It keeps moving forward with or without you.

I’ll reiterate. There’s only one person that could get me off the sidelines. Me. And maybe Moose since he’s like a little kid with the whole inside, outside, play fetch with me gig.

Last, but not least in any way, is spiritually. Where was I?

I guess you could say I was at the opposite shore of where God is. He remained right where He always is. Steadfast. Good. Faithful. And so many more attributes that would take years to list. He was there.

I let my boat drift to the other shore. Sure, I gave Him a daily wave. I’m no fool. I don’t ever want to know another moment without God in it. Been there, done that and let’s not go there again.

How close I remain, is, my choice. Yep, it comes back to me. And just like life, God is not going to force you to be close to Him. He’ll let you drift. He’ll let you leave. He loves you enough to let you decide.

He also loves you enough to be there when you come back.

The lessons I’m learning being on my own can be daunting. Some days they feel pretty lonely, even though I know I’m not alone. God is always with me. It’s one of His many promises.

Like I previously stated, I drifted. I didn’t leave. There’s just something that even though I drift keeps pulling me back. It breathes new life into my worn soul and refreshes my weary mind.

Curious as to what that is? It’s simple. It’s His love for me that keeps drawing me close. It’s been about His love since the beginning of time and creation.

His passionate, unending love for us all is what drove Him to the cross. He chose His pain and suffering for our life. All because of love.

So, as I step back into this thing called life, I’m praying and speaking His life sustaining words over my life because I want to reap the harvest of His love so I can then shine that love out into the world.

Let me leave you with this word from 2 Timothy 1:7:

“For the Spirit that God has given us does not make us timid; instead, his Spirit fills us with power, love, and self-control.” ~ (GNT)

How awesome is that? Bear good fruit my friends! Much love and peace to all.