Blessed to be Broken

When I was a young girl, I remember looking up in the dark skies of the night and looking for the Big Dipper. Somehow knowing that heavenly constellation was high in the sky brought me peace from the chaos of living in a home filled with addiction. How could the beauty of those shining beacons of light not make my soul sigh in awe and wonder.

To this day, my eyes are drawn into looking for the Big Dipper when I feel unrest.

When I joined the military, I had no idea where the journey would lead. There was a much bigger picture at play in the background than where I was ever currently stationed. But, the powers that be did allow you to fill out what they called a “dream sheet”. It was a listing of several bases or areas you wanted to be stationed.

It was a standing joke amongst service members you should put down what you didn’t want on that dream sheet, to get what you did want. I dunno, maybe it was just sheer luck of the draw. I may have believed that then, but now I know nothing is based on luck.

Alaska was on my dream sheet. I had never been there. I had no clue what it was like, I just knew it was where I wanted to go. There was no internet back then, so, it’s not like I could Google about it. It’s not like I had seen a bazillion photos like you can see now all over social media. So why would a girl from upstate New York want to go to Alaska?

I fully believe God placed that desire in my heart.

My first duty station was as far from Alaska as you could get. At least in my opinion. I was sent to hot, sticky, palmetto bug, cockroaches in the cupboards, alligators on the flight line, Florida. Homestead Air Force Base, to be exact. In case you couldn’t tell, I’m not a fan of the heat.

I couldn’t wait to be transferred outta there. I got that dream answered after 2 years of being stationed there.

Next, I was sent to Hill Air Force Base in Utah. I loved Utah. I spent just under 8 years there. It was bittersweet leaving the life I had come to know while I was stationed there. My son was born there. But, he doesn’t consider Utah his home. He doesn’t remember a thing about it.

At just 14 months old with our son safely tucked in his car seat, his father, and I headed out of Utah to Alaska. We both had our dreams fulfilled with that move. Little did we know what lie ahead.

A lot can happen in 20 years. That’s how long I was stationed in Anchorage, Alaska. Suffice it to say, my life didn’t turn out anything like I thought it would. Truth be told, I’m still working on accepting how life is, over what I thought it would be.

When I left Alaska, I had just begun my walk with Jesus. I do know, when God shuts a door, it’s shut. It was time to wrap up my military career and move forward despite my not being fully prepared or ready for that chapter to close.

My son came with me when I moved back to upstate New York. A place I said I never wanted to return to live. Yet, here we both are. He’s been back to Alaska twice. I’ve not made the trek back.

It’s not to say that my heart didn’t want to go back, I just knew I wasn’t ready to face the place where so much of my life was, well, let’s just say, it’s a good thing God stepped in when He did.

A lot has happened in the 12 years since I left. Some really great things in fact. The funny thing is, it took a long time for me to see the good. My head was too caught up with the constant replay of my sins from the past.

The enemy is sneaky that way. If you don’t stop the past from poking huge holes at your present, it’s hard to see what’s happening right now and it keeps you wanting for what’s ahead. Being stuck between the past and wanting of the future is a hard place to live.

I remember walking with my dogs to Fire Lake in Eagle River, Alaska. We had a large dog (chocolate lab), a medium sized dog (pound puppy mix) and a tiny dog (Yorkshire terrier).

The large dog would bark his fool head off if you didn’t walk at his pace. He was always out in front. He couldn’t wait to get to the lake and fetch his bumper. The other two dogs were always behind me. And there I was, smack in the middle. One arm in front, one arm in back, trying to keep a comfortable pace for all of us.

It’s a great visual reminder for me to walk with God. Not in front of Him, not lagging behind, but in step with Him. It should be easy. But, I’m still building trust and learning to let go of things that were so fully ingrained in me they became comfortable.

Getting uncomfortable with who God says I am is how I wrestle and then become comfortable with who He says I am. I know. That sounds all kinds of upside down. Let me try to explain.

Jesus says, I’m loved. I say, how can that be with all I’ve done? Having such a misaligned view of what unconditional love looks/felt like made me feel uncomfortable, unworthy, and kind of icky in my own skin.

That’s Jesus doing a deep work in me. He’s getting into all the nooks and crannies so He can annihilate the work of the enemy that I accepted as truth.

I mistakenly thought, I deserved all the guilt and shame I was feeling because I had walked so far from God for so many years. But if you ever read the story of the Prodigal son in the Bible, then you know the Father comes RUNNING to his son upon his return home. Despite how the son treated his father.

Jesus doesn’t come running for you to kick you down even worse than you do to yourself. On the contrary, He comes running to you for a full on embrace, filled with unmeasurable love. It’s gonna make you feel unworthy. It’s gonna make you uncomfortable until it’s stuck in your crawl that NOTHING can ever separate you from His love.

There’s no hidden agenda here. It’s all been laid out since the beginning of time. God wants a relationship with us. He’s made the way. It’s only when you get past those uncomfortable places within, that you can take the next step with Him.

So, when He says it’s time to go back, you can trust that He has good in store for you, because He’s a good God. Next month, my friend and I are heading back to Alaska for a visit. I’m excited to see what He has planned.

I’m gonna tuck a truth a friend spoke over my life yesterday in my heart, and remember I’m not the same person I was when I left Alaska. I’m a NEW creation, created in Christ to do the good works He planned for me long ago.

But, the enemy is still up to his tricks. The anxiety that threatens to kill, steal, or destroy my joy for this trip rises up and tries to take control. Nope. Not today Satan. Get behind me.

Look out Alaska, ready or not, here I come.