This past Sunday morning pretty much started out like every other morning. I let Gabby out to do her thing, fed her, made coffee, and then I sat down and prepared to spend some time with my Heavenly Father. I opened up my Bible to the daily writing scripture from a monthly plan scripted by Sharon from Sweet Blessings. The verse was from James 1:16-17:
“Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” ~ CSB
Typically after I write out the verse, I’ll write out a prayer or my thoughts to God and listen for what He’s trying to tell me. Keyword…“trying.” Truth be told, I don’t always hear because I can get distracted by the stuff that lies ahead. To me it’s an intimate time where I tell my Father what’s going on, to be connected to the one who created me and knows my heart best. To confront what might be hiding in the shadows that keeps me from being all He created me to be.
As I wrote to Him that morning, I recalled memories from the past and my heart smiled, but my eyes wept. You ever been there? Good thing I always have kleenex nearby. Crying was not part of my plan that morning. But isn’t it just like God to take what I think will be a typical day and turn it into something I never saw coming?
I still get a bit exasperated at myself for crying so easily these days. I mean, I had places to go, things to do, and having the telltale signs of tear-stained remnants on my face was not part of the plan. I was actually thisclose to not going to church because I knew I would cry.
And if crying home alone is exasperating, crying in public, thinking everyone is looking at me is even worse. Because it’s all about me, right? Merrrrt, wrong!
Growing up in a chaotic home means you never knew what to expect. It was a constant state of being on your toes and knowing at any minute something not awesome was about to happen.
You didn’t go with the flow, you fought against it, in a constant defensive battle of negativity and pure hatred of living a life you didn’t ask for. To lose control of your emotions in front of the attacker meant they won, and you lost. Seething inside while firing laser shots with your eyes all the while screaming silently with your brain at the attacker or shutting down altogether was the only way to make it through the battle.
My mom once explained it to someone like this, “you wouldn’t survive a day the way we’ve survived for years.” So I guess it’s no wonder that all those years of pent up emotions so easily come forward now. Still, I find myself stuffing those feelings down when I don’t want to deal with them. Which is really dumb, because they bubble up to the surface through so many ways and I inevitably have to deal with them anyway.
Back to this past Sunday. I got ready for church and told myself, the crying was over. No more tears, sister! I gave myself a good talking to and though I may have felt weepy, I was not going to let weepy win. Convinced I was ready, makeup in place, I set out to Sunday worship.
Cue the worship team. I walked in on the second song, “God is always good.” As I listened to the song and watched the words on the screen I settled in and made my joyful noise to the Lord as I sang. Then these words come:
“You alone freely give
So that all can truly live
Every good and perfect gift
Comes from Heaven”
Did you see that? “Every good and perfect gift comes from heaven.” If you didn’t get that, go back up to the verse I referenced at the beginning. I look up to the ceiling and nod my head and smile at God as I continue singing:
“God is always good
Yes, God is always good
What I sing on the mountain, I’ll sing in the valley
That God is always good”
So much for controlling my emotions. My eyes betray me as tears stream down my face. I lift my hands in praise and try not to worry about anyone who I think might be looking at me. And I realize tears are a good and perfect gift from God. They are not shameful, they are not a sign of weakness, and they most assuredly don’t diminish who I think I am.
At this moment, I realize He’s showing me a new way to see my tears. Romans 12:2 was the very first verse I memorized and when you allow His Word to take root you will see it at work.
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” ~ Romans 12:2 (NIV)
I don’t need to be embarrassed by my tears, I only need to embrace the gift God so freely gave me. There are many reasons I cry, but the hurting tears are the heart cries of my soul, a grieving process that helps heal the pain. Why would I ever want to shut that down knowing it’s good for me?
It matters not what anyone thinks of my tears. They’ve not been on my journey, they’re only seeing a snippet of a moment in time. And maybe, just maybe, the shedding of my tears will allow someone else to be set free from the chains that so easily bind us up.
And I’ll leave you with these infamous words sung by Lesley Gore:
“It’s my party, and I’ll cry if I want to
cry if I want to, cry if I want to
you would cry too if it happened to you”
Have an amazing day, friends! Thanks, for stopping by 🙂
Blessed to be Broken 
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