One of my favorite things to do in a pool is simply…float. Not much effort required except to stay afloat. Lying somewhat submerged with my ears covered by the water, eyes closed without a care in the world, body relaxed…I float. I don’t have to think, I don’t have to fix anything, I don’t have to meet anyone’s expectations, no need to perform, just float and aimlessly drift.
Word to the wise…this aimless drifting may cause you to bonk your head on the side of the pool if you’re too caught up in the bliss of floating. Eventually, the floating needs to stop and you need to get out of the pool, step back on solid ground, and get back to all things not floating related; I know, I know…bummer.
I have drifted from my blog for 499 days. I have to say, seeing that number was a bit of a shocker. It’s not to say I haven’t done any writing since then, because I have. Just not here. It’s not to say I haven’t visited this space either, because, I have. So what happened? Why did I drift and float off in the horizon? I’m so glad you asked.
As I watched the ending of an episode of Grey’s Anatomy, I found myself arrested by the words Der spoke to Mer in an elevator. He said:
“If there’s a crisis, you don’t freeze, you move forward. You get the rest of us to move forward because you’ve seen worse and you know we’ll survive too. You say you’re all dark and twisty. It’s not a flaw, it’s a strength. It makes you who you are.”
For whatever reason, it felt like someone reached in and grabbed the breath right out of my lungs and then I sat there and sobbed. Y’all wounded heart healing is HARD. Letting God in, letting the walls down, feeling the excruciating pain, crying a bazillion tears, going through boxes of Kleenex and then seeing my mountainous Kleenex pile, wore this girl out.
So, I did what I’ve done countless times before when things get too hard. I hid from healing. I stopped writing and I put those familiar walls back into place. I was tired of crying, and feeling the pain. It made me feel weak. I didn’t want to “own” the murky feelings of my reality.
I understood all too well the “dark and twisty” version of Meredith Grey and I didn’t want to dive into the “where it all began” pool anymore. Instead, I put on my brave girl face and told God “no.” I’m done crying and I’m done processing. I’m good now, that is until I wasn’t. Sigh.
More than once during those 499 days, I found myself in that place where someone reached in and pulled the breath right out of me. More than once the tears started and more than once I shut them off. You know what I learned? It takes more guts to face the things that tried to break you than to stuff them away and pretend you’re “okay.”
Y’all, I am not okay! I’m a living, breathing, hot mess child of God! Every single day I need Him. Every single day He shows up, and every single day I either let Him in, or I push Him away. But, even when I push, He never leaves me. He’s there breathing the breath back in that life tries to steal. I may be a hot mess, but God…He loves this hot mess. And He loves you too!
The Truth of the matter is this, “And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.” ~Romans 8:38-39 (NLT)
And that includes Hot Messes! Can a sister get an Amen?!
His Word never fails! He is good and He is for you..always.
Blessed to be Broken 
And there it is! Wow! Beautiful friend! This blessed me more than you know!! Thank you!
Thank you for your sweet words of encouragement Sharon and that loving kick in the butt!
And THIS is why you need to write the dang three chapters!!! Love you!!!!
I love you Christa! Thank you for being such an inspiration for me and countless others!
Ohhh my roomies. I sure miss you girls!!
Amen, we are all messes, but God is faithful. Keep writing in the midst of your mess. These are life giving words. Love you Trish!!!
Love you too Nancy! Thanks for your encouraging words 😊
Yay for taking that first step 😊 love you friend!
Thank you so much for stopping by and your words of encouragement my friend ❤️ Love you too!
Uh…..the hotter the mess the more fire power to proclaim His message??? Geeez girl you do know how to make a (re) entrance!! Thank you. Best words I could have read from you 💗 you got this cause you’re a Jesus lovin girl 💕💕 love you sweet sister!
You’re too sweet my dear friend! Thank you for your uplifting words! Love you Dianna!!
Amen.
You hot mess sister in Christ are not alone. I’m right in there with you. And as a song says, “…and He loves me (us!) anyway…”
Received your email, too. Oh, the catching up we will do…soon. When I’m done UNstuffing all the stuff I stuffed while in college (epic excuse for stalling the healing)! Besides, Kleenex supply is low. Off to Sam’s I’ll go!
God’s timing, spot on. Thanks for blogging again. You’re needed by many of us. Who knows? You may have another blogger following your lead. Love & HUGS
Hot mess sisters unite!! Love and hugs back at you my dear friend. I would love to see you blog! 😘 Miss you tons!