We’ve all heard the saying…”why buy the cow, if you can get the milk for free?” But, who really pays attention to that nonsense? I have to say, I wish I had.
As a young girl I can honestly say I didn’t value myself or the wisdom of my elders. After all, there was no way my mom could’ve ever been through the life experiences I had. To be honest, she was part of the problem. Always critical of the way I looked, constantly telling me all the things I wasn’t and couldn’t be instead of looking at me for all the things God created me to be. Speaking of God, therein lies another issue, I had no clue that God created me to be something special because I didn’t know I could have a personal relationship with our Heavenly Father.
Sure, I knew God existed, but I felt like He was just another “person” giving me the stink eye with every move I made. It was bad enough I could never get my parent’s approval, so why would I try to garner the approval of “someone” so out of reach and was nothing but a giant rule writer and fun spoiler? Screw that noise! It was time to start living MY life.
It was New Year’s Eve. I was 16 years old and my boyfriend was going to be spending the night. Everything was going pretty well that evening until I wanted a picture taken of me and my boyfriend. My dad was in his usual drunken state and said he would take the picture if we wore these New Years Eve hats. What? No!! I wanted a “normal,” no hat photo, please and thank you. The typical yelling and screaming began and next thing I knew, my boyfriend freaked and walked out of our house.
Giving my father the teenage death stare, I turned on my heel and went after my boyfriend. I found him down the street by a tree. As I approached him, he punched the tree with his fist. Apparently, he had never experienced the type of yelling and screaming that was typical in my home. He actually started to cry because he didn’t know what to do. I remember thinking…”I guess, punching a tree is the “normal” thing to do?”
We decided in the next few minutes we would not go back to my house, and we couldn’t go to his house. The “obvious” choice was to walk 10 miles in the cold to his sister’s house. We walked and talked along the way and when we made it to his sister’s house; she said we could stay on the couches in her living room. He was on one couch, I was on the other.
For the first hour we tried to fall asleep, but then one of us made it to the other’s couch and we started to “fool around.” Eventually one thing led to another and we muddled our way through the awkwardness of the whole sex thing. I remember thinking…”this is it? I can probably go my whole life and never do that again.” It wasn’t pleasurable, it was just…messy. I was fortunate in that I didn’t get pregnant or contract any sexually transmitted diseases, but I did get a yeast infection.
Never having had a yeast infection before I had no clue what was going on, so I had to tell my mother. So off to the doctor’s office we went. They asked the normal questions…age, how long had this been going on, etc. Then the doctor asked if I had been sexually active. My mother was in the room, so I lied and said no. By the end of the exam we all knew I had lied and so my shame and embarrassment now hung over me like a wet blanket. Not only did my mother know, she went home and told my father, who told my brothers and now I was the family joke. Hey sis, “did you “rise” out of bed this morning?” Get it? Yeast infection…rise? So not funny. They got a good laugh for days, while I walked around in shame and humiliation. By the way, I broke up with my boyfriend shortly thereafter. I just could never look at him the same way again.
I would like to say I held true to my thought “I can probably go my whole life and never do that again,” but I didn’t..that thought got buried under self-doubt, low self- esteem, self-hate, and loathing, just to name a few. I believed my power was wielded in the number of men I could attract and conquer. It would take far too many years to understand the damage that type of wrong thinking created in my life and the many others I snared.
You see, that story…that lifestyle is my past…it’s not my present. But, that lifestyle, that past was almost the end of me. But, my Heavenly Father had other plans as He reached down, pulled me from my pit of despair, and started lovingly turning this “free milk giving cow” into His precious lamb. My “present” is a story of redemption, forgiveness, grace and more love than I know what to do with. All I had to do was let Him in. He was waiting…He rescued me….again.
That giant rule writer and fun spoiler was trying to protect me all along. He knew those paths I went down were all wrong for me and would hurt me. I just didn’t or maybe I wasn’t ready to listen. I didn’t know my Heavenly Daddy and I found if you don’t know God, you don’t follow Him. Instead, you follow everything else that feels good in the moment. That’s not living…that’s chaos every which way you turn.
Turning from chaos and falling into the arms of my Savior transforms my life everyday!! Knowing Him, opens my eyes to who He created me to be. I pray you don’t waste another second wondering who you are and why you’re here. Fall into the arms of Jesus, friend and let Him show you all He created you to be.
Blessed to be Broken 
You are not alone in your past history, friend. And God is so gracious to redeem us, choice by choice by choice. I’m so glad that He opened our eyes and hearts to His great forgiveness and love! ❤
Amen Missy!! I love how He gathers similar stories together to help us overcome and show His great mercy and love!! Our Father is amazing and we are truly blessed!!
Amen! What a testimony! Praise the Lord that he delivers us and loves us beyond our wildest dreams. Love you girl!
Thanks girl!! I appreciate you stopping by 🙂 Love you too!!