Blessed to be Broken

God's not finished with me yet!

Not The Glue

“Honor your father and mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.” ~ Exodus 20:12

This post won’t be pretty because I’ve struggled with this commandment. I’ve wrestled. I’ve beat myself up with it. I’ve laid awake over not being loving enough. I’ve tried time and again to stuff the ugly feelings down, but they kept rising back to the top. Why wasn’t the forgiveness working? Was there something wrong with me? I went back to the relationship time and again, only to feel like a failure because, truth be told, I don’t like her. I feel sorry for her. I try to put myself in her shoes, but they don’t fit. Whatever she went through at the hands of my father made its way down to all of her children. Not just at his hands, but hers too. When you try to appease an abusive man, and you have kids, the kids suffer too. I guess it’s hard to protect your kids when you can’t even protect yourself.

I used to think, I was the glue that held our “family” together. That’s a lot for one person to take on. I don’t know why I have such a strong desire for family. Lord knows I’ve done my part in screwing things up, yet, it’s still there. Maybe it’s because when your family is so messed up, you desire something stable. Something that hugs and loves you. Something that lifts you up, and encourages you to keep going. That’s not what we got in the family I grew up in.

I’ve accepted that. I can’t change any of it. It’s in the past. But that doesn’t mean the past doesn’t try to seep in and take up space. I don’t recommend ignoring those thoughts. I do recommend giving pause and asking God why it’s coming up. Healing is trying to happen here and it’s a chance to grow bitter or get better. Journaling helps. Like, if you can’t talk about it, you can get it out of you by writing it out.

Forgiveness comes in all shapes and sizes. Crocodile tears, gulps of air in between heartwrenching sobs, whispers, shouting, faces etched in pain and anger, and in surrender. Surrender means you’ve placed the broken relationship in God’s hands where it belongs.

Broken people can commiserate together, but I don’t believe they can heal together. Battle wounds suffered on each person is separate. They may look similar on the outside, but the toll they took looks very different on the inside.

I kept returning to the scene of the crime expecting a different result. After all, she’s my mother. The title invokes respect, right? People innocently remind you, “she’s the only mom you’ll ever have,” and they base it off their experience with their mom.

You should be careful trying to guilt a wounded person to accept an abuser back in their life. It may not be what you mean to do, but sometimes good intentions do harm that you can’t see.

There’s an episode of the tv show “Mom” where the daughter has a podcast called, “The mother of all problems” where she speaks about her experiences growing up with an alcoholic mom. Her mother hears the show and wants to confront her daughter. The mom goes to her daughters apartment and the daughter pulls out her podcast equipment and the mom explains her side and how she’s doing so much better now and helping others. When the podcast is over, and they’re wrapping up the visit, the mom desperately wants to reconnect with her estranged daughter but the daughter tells her no, that she’s better without her mom in her life for now. The mom leaves devastated. I used to wonder how the daughter could be so harsh. I don’t wonder anymore.

In this scenario, it’s not that forgiveness didn’t happen. It did. But, healing takes time. It’s totally possible to forgive someone and not have a direct, hands-on relationship with them.

Even though the mom was now doing better, the daughter was working through her trauma and the experiences that brought her pain. She didn’t wish her mom ill, she just wasn’t ready to jump back into a full on relationship with her. In this case her mom was her abuser. Why would anyone encourage a relationship with their abuser, just because of their title?

It’s totally possible to forgive someone while you’re healing. I may not like my mom, but I love her. I have empathy for what she went through at the hands of my father. I have compassion for her pain. I also understand, that it wasn’t just my father who wreaked havoc in our lives.

I have forgiven her. I want nothing but the best for her. But in this season, the best I can do for her, is love and pray for her from a distance. The Lord knows my heart.

Do you remember when I said I thought I was the glue responsible for holding my family together? I was wrong. That was never my place. God reminded me, He’s the Savior, not me.

My responsibility is love. In this tender place, while I learn about love from my Heavenly Father, I get out of His way, because it’s never been about me. It’s always been about Jesus. But, don’t take my word for it, take His!

““Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” ~ John 14:6

Honor can happen from a distance. In that distance, make no mistake, Heavenly work is being done. And from all my experiences, that’s the work that matters most. The best part, the burden is lifted from me, and placed in the very hands of the One knows far more than I ever will, the Creator of all.

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Alcohol’s Dark Side

Don’t you love Facebook memories? It’s crazy to think how long Facebook has been around. The other day this particular memory popped up from 11 years ago:

“What an irritating, make me wanna do unspeakable things to people I don’t even know kind of day!!!! Good thing there’s wine in the world =)”

You can tell it’s older because there were no fun emoji’s back then.

11 years ago wine was my go to comforter. What I wrote in the post made me giggle. I have no recollection what happened that day. But I no doubt consumed more wine than I should have that day. More wine than any person should drink in a day.

By the grace of God, I was rescued from the grip alcohol had on my life. Since that Facebook post, two of my loved ones died from the clutches of alcoholism, and another is back in the boxing ring, laid out on the floor, passed out. He would later wake up in the emergency room. Please pray! God knows.

There are people who can recreationally consume alcohol and go on their merry way. Others, become addicted. For those who have never been addicted your opinion about what alcoholics should do is just that, your opinion. Your experience is not the same. Your knowledge comes from what you think, based on your own experience with the substance. Thank God, you never became addicted. Have mercy on those that do.

It’s not an easy thing to talk about. No one starts their day thinking, “I can’t wait to be an addict”. It creeps up on you and by the time you realize it, you’re in its clutches. You deny the addiction. You hide the evidence. You sneak sips or gulp the drink of choice down and I daresay, hate yourself in the process. Yet, you drink it down anyway. You think you’re being clever, yet, your loved ones know, and they pay the price alongside you.

The addiction comes with the high cost of shame, guilt, self-loathing, and thoughts like, “nothing matters, no one cares, my life is over.” Truth is, you’re exhausted from the pain that’s consumed your life. You cry out to God, “kill me” and “I can’t do this anymore”. Your cry is a death song.

But God! The second you cry out to Him, He moves. Make no mistake, God is not in the business of killing, He’s in the business of saving. He’s a Savior! He’s the Alpha and Omega! He’s the Way, the Truth and the LIGHT! He knitted YOU together in your mother’s womb, and He made you with precision and loving kindness.

It’s your enemy, Satan who comes to kill, steal, and destroy. He’s the one whispering in your ear you’re worthless and nobody cares. He will do anything he can to bring you low and crawling around like a serpent in the darkness.

When you cry out, at God’s command, people move. He already set in place who would help and fight in the gap for, and with you. They are His people, putting themselves on the front lines of faith, knowing that God has a plan, a good plan, and in tandem they fight on their knees, and worship the goodness and might of God and their battle cry is “Not one more lost to this disease, Abba Father” and they ask the Good Shepherd to bring His lost sheep home into His embrace. Why? They’ve experienced first hand what God can do/has done in their own lives.

Do you know the parable of the prodigal son? The Father didn’t stand there waiting for his son to return home. No, instead, as soon as he saw his son, he RAN to meet him and embraced him in a hug, despite his son’s running off and squandering his fortune away.

You can read the parable here.

Your cry may be a death song, but God’s action is saving grace. What you do with that, is your choice. The struggle to get where you are, has already been won. Not by anything you do, but by everything He does. You simply can’t out do or out run the goodness of God.

If you know someone in the thick of the battle of addiction, please know, they already know how sad their life has become. No one keeps drinking themselves into oblivion because everything is sunshine and rainbows. Because let’s face it, life is challenging. How you walk through it, is made up of your daily choices.

Everyone talks about the fun and glamour of alcohol. No one talks about its catastrophic effects on your body and the ruination of your life. Maybe it’s time to talk about the ugly truth and bring the LIGHT into the darkness.

If you’re addicted to alcohol and reading this, know I’ve prayed for you and for God to make Himself known to you. I’ve prayed for the saving of your soul and for you to know the great love He has for you. I have faith, it’s why you’re here. It’s why you’re still reading this post. So, this is where I let His Truth speak into your soul:

““Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.“. ~ Matthew 11:28-29 (NIV)

For those addicted, cry out to Jesus! Invite Him into the battle, because ultimately, the battle belongs to the Lord. The burden is too much for us on our own. Just remember, He’s your Savior, not your destroyer.

For my brothers and sisters in Christ, armor up, the front lines are calling.

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Walk The Walk

If you know me, you know I love the movie Top Gun and it’s sequel. I really liked how they merged the two movies together. One of the lines that carried over to the sequel was Maverick saying that up in the air, in a combat situation, there was no time to think or you’d be dead. (Paraphrasing) Pretty much he was saying in the situation, he acted on the knowledge and skills he’d learned through living and honing those skills.

In the original movie, in what I’ll call the simulation room, they played out his encounter with a mig on the screen and broke down and critiqued his maneuvers. The civilian liaison said that while the outcome was a success, he did it wrong and then they showed what it should’ve looked like via the “text book” instructions.

I don’t know who wrote the text book, but I know the book wasn’t in the air. How could a text book give every possible scenario to any situation? Pretty much when it comes to technology, the minute the book is printed, it’s already older than the current day technology. Is that to say the book is now irrelevant? Hard to say. I’ve not ever flown a plane.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, experience is key to the knowledge Maverick used to fly his plane. It was by practical performance and living through the experience that gave him the wisdom he needed.

Yet, there will always be someone who thinks they know how to do things better by telling what they think over having the actual experience. Where is the knowledge garnered from if you’ve not experienced it?

I had a friend who said that everyday he got behind the wheel of a car, he played out scenarios of how he’d handle a traffic incident should it happen. Have you ever been in an accident? It happens in seconds. What you do is based on so many variants, and in those moments, what you know to do, based on your experience can be crucial. But, not everything is controllable.

And that’s the scary part. The uncontrollable. It’s in those moments we try to control the variants by pushing our opinion around. All that is, is a desperate attempt to control a situation that feels out of our control. We hold on so tightly to what we think should happen, we’re willing to cause a verbal or even physical confrontation. Despite not having any practical experience in the matter.

The phrase “talk the talk” is just that. You’re talking about something you really know nothing about. “Walk the walk”, means you’ve put in the work, you’ve experienced the work, and you know first hand the battle you walked through.

When we try to define or box up another’s persons life through our opinion, we belittle what they’ve walked through. We talk about things we have no knowledge about and we try to make our opinion their new accepted reality, because it’s what we selfishly want. We get frustrated because they aren’t listening. But, who’s really the one, not listening?

Trying to control a situation with your opinion is a fool’s folly. Just take a look around social media and you’ll see it.
Proverbs 10:11-14 reminds us,

“The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life, but the mouth of the wicked conceals violence.
Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers over all wrongs.
Wisdom is found on the lips of the discerning, but a rod is for the back of one who has no sense.
The wise store up knowledge, but the mouth of a fool invites ruin.”

Imparting wisdom is not opinion. It’s a telling of what a person actually walked through and came out the other side. Maybe, just maybe if we stopped talking long enough and quit trying to manipulate things for our gain we’d live a way more peaceful life.

Eventually, and practically speaking from experience, trying to control something that’s not in your wheelhouse will exhaust you. If you’re always putting your best interest first and what you want ahead of others, you’re already behind.

Living selfishly means the only person you look out for is yourself. And don’t be fooled. They know how to cleverly disguise manipulation through doing things “for” you, but later using those very same things against you. And when they see they can’t control you, they’ll go after someone close to you. Be vigilant, my friends! Those red flags, don’t ignore them.

Living unselfishly means, you look for ways to help someone else succeed, to make their day better, so in turn, your day is better. Easier said than done, but so much more rewarding.

Ok, I’ve rambled on long enough. If you made it this far, I hope you have a beautiful day. It’s new. It’s filled with possibility and all kinds of gifts from your Heavenly Father. ❤️

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