Blessed to be Broken

I absolutely love Fall. Cue music; It’s the most wonderful time of the year and then substitute all things associated with Fall for the Christmas stuff in the song. I adore all the changing colors, hot apple cider, pumpkin spice everything…well, not quite everything, I mean let’s not go crazy here. Craft fairs, pumpkins, hayrides, crisp air, bonfires, sweaters, boots, scarves, and I could go on and on but I think you get the picture. I was made for Fall!

The other day I was walking with a friend and we happened upon a tree and it appeared as if 2 leaves were suspended mid-air. One tiny leaf was just a twirling and spinning and the other leaf was just sorta hanging out. I tried to get a picture but the background was all wrong and you couldn’t really see the leaves. Bummer, because it was really cool.

The very next day on another walk there was a bigger leaf seemingly suspended in mid-air. I did get a picture and small video clip but the leaf is not as twirly as the leaf I mentioned earlier. But, if you’re a visual person like me, you’ll appreciate the pics!

I need to go back to the first 2 leaves that I mentioned earlier. On one side of the tree was the leaf twirling all about, and on the other side was the leaf, just hanging out. But, in the middle was the sturdy tree. The one that caught my attention first was the one twirling all about.

You may be thinking, what’s the big deal? It’s just a leaf hanging on by a thread. Ahhh! but, it’s so much more!

I’m in the stage of my life I guess I could be referred to as a “mature” woman. I prefer mature over menopausal. For 7.5 years as a mature woman, I’ve not had to deal with a menstrual cycle.  Yesss!

However, just over a month ago, I was about to have my mature world rocked by a familiar monthly “friend.” Are you kidding me?! Nope, this was no joke.

Having a menstrual cycle when you’re menopausal is not a good thing.  So, I did the thing. I called the doctor’s office and made an appointment, which led to an ultrasound, which led to a procedure called a “hysteroscopy.”

A hysteroscopy is a lovely little procedure that involves a tiny camera weaving its way into your uterus where they take a good close-up look-see around. This is not the type of close-up I like. No sir, it is not! If during the look-see they decide they want a sample to send back to the lab, they do a biopsy. Ummm…k.

This entire procedure is uncomfortable at best and painful at times. My doctor was awesome despite what was about to happen. He let me use my headphones and I listened to worship music. I bet he was just as shocked as I was when I began randomly humming during the procedure.

At first, I was like, why are you humming? And then I was like, I guess I’m humming. The humming got louder as I become more uncomfortable. I was even encouraged to keep humming by the nurse. Oh great, I’m the humming patient. Hahaha

When all was said and done, I’d say the cramping afterward was by far the worst part! Thank you, Jesus, it didn’t last more than an hour.

I was told the best and worst-case scenarios of what the next steps could be depending on the outcome of the results. I wouldn’t know the results until my next appointment which was a week out.

Let’s tie this whole thing together, shall we? Remember that leaf, the one twirling while hanging on the thread? Let’s call that joy. The other leaf, just kind of hanging out, not doing much of anything? Let’s call that worry. The tree which the 2 leaves hung from, let’s call that strength and the thread the leaves dangled on let’s call that faith.

From the way I see it, during the week I waited for the results, I had 2 choices. I could worry about what might not ever be or I could rely on the strength of the Lord to be my joy while holding onto faith that is unseen. I could sit, worry, and do nothing or I could keep living my life, one day at a time, knowing that God had me whether I was diagnosed with cancer or I wasn’t. I could just as easily frown as I could smile.

It’s not to say that I wasn’t worried or didn’t have fear. Because I did. I’m still human after all. But, I had a choice to make. Be consumed with all the negative or start speaking to my mountain.

I didn’t just speak to my mountain. I asked others to speak on my behalf as well. Still, others joined in and climbed that mountain with me. In my moments of weakness, I grabbed onto my strength.

Y’all, God is not kidding around when He says He never leaves you nor forsakes you. It was because of Him and His promises that His joy came shining through as I waited. And He didn’t abandon me in my waiting, He was there with me.

When the enemy tried to creep in and take hold, I kicked him back out the door. I let him know he was not welcome. Every day I have to tell Satan, he’s not welcome. Every day I pick up my sword (my Bible) and whack unabashedly at the enemy.

When my results day arrived I turned on some worship music. A song came on I had never heard before. Every Little Thing by Hillsong. I drank up the words and took them into battle with me.

I prayed once again to get the results before I went into the doctor’s office. I checked the medical portal again for any results and nothing. I was going to have to wait this out. Ok, Lord.

My mom was supposed to go with me to my appointment but she got the times mixed up and as I headed into the doctor’s office I said, well, if my mom’s not here, then I don’t need that support.

I got to the check-in window and they gave me the paperwork to sign. On the paperwork was the word “benign.”  Y’all, that was answered prayer on many levels, but the thing that just blows me away; I found out BEFORE I went into the doctor’s office.

When God says he cares about EVERY detail of your life, believe it! He not only cares, but he also delights in it! But, don’t take my word for it;

When I got called into the doctor’s office I took a seat. Not only were the results benign, but he said I didn’t need any other procedures. Hallelujah, thank you, Jesus!

I left the building and went into my car and called my mom. As I told her the results, the tears fell. As I spoke through the tears, I realized just how tightly I was holding on to that thread. But that thread, it never broke. That thread of faith sustained me and carried me through.

My God, the one who loves me, and rejoices over me is the same God who loves and rejoices over you! Do you know Him? It’s my fervent prayer you do. Today, I pray one of my favorite verses with and over you. May you be enlighted to know in your heart:

For the Lord your God is living among you.
    He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.
    With his love, he will calm all your fears.
    He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.” – Zephanianh 3:16 (NLT) 

If you need a little hope today, I leave you with this song that I carried into battle the day of my results. Be well, my friends! Remember to be kind to yourself and others, as we’re all in this thing called life, together.