As I watched Christmas celebrated through millions of posts made on social media, I came to one conclusion….everyone appeared to be high on merry!! Maybe that’s just the kind of stuff that came across my feed. Maybe you saw something different…or felt something different.
Maybe you lost a loved one this past year or years ago. Maybe your heart hurt because you couldn’t afford the gifts you wanted to buy so you could see the glee on the face of a loved one. Maybe it was your first year as an empty nester and there was no one to rush to the mound of presents under the tree. Maybe someone near and dear to you was in the hospital fighting a battle they didn’t see coming or they were losing that battle and breathing their last breath.
For me it was a combination of stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty to be thankful for, but for some odd reason, this year I had to look a little harder for the blessings through my tears. I asked myself….how can we help a world unite in peace and love, when families are torn apart.
When you’re the only one who has hope of having your family reunited how do you know when you should keep holding onto to faith or let it go? (If you watched the movie Frozen, did you just break out in song) Because they’re family, do you allow for the abuse to continue or do you walk away and love them from afar? I wish I knew the answer. I don’t. All is know is when I’ve done all I know how to do, it’s time to hit my knees and pray. God sees my heart, He knows my pain and He’s working this all out. I don’t have the answer yet. But He does and when the time is right, His glory will shine throughout.
Growing up I was able to see glimpses of the man my father could have been, but the addictions were too strong for him. We all suffered from his weaknesses. There was no real love in the household and so we all suffer from a warped idea of what love is supposed to be. Every one of us is broken in our own way and our brokenness causes us to react in a way that will protect us from future hurt. Except it doesn’t and it’s exhausting. Don’t step here, don’t say that, duck when the jab comes, and throw some fancy footwork in for show.
I had a meltdown yesterday. I was vulnerable and I put my heart right out in the open and I got it crushed by someone who doesn’t know how to love. But I had hope that maybe, just maybe if I laid it out there she would see just how much I was hurting, how much I needed her acceptance and how much I just wanted to be enough…just as I am. I reminded her of all the times I had been there for her, even to my own detriment and she stood her ground, took up her sword and stabbed it straight through and I heard the voice of Angelica Houston in the movie Ever After say…”how can one love a pebble in their shoe?”
Do you see what happened? I expected something from someone who doesn’t know how to give what I need. In a sense, I caused myself that pain. I should have known better, I should have ducked when the jab came but it hit me square in my face and knocked me down….again. The flip side to all of this is being able to recognize that she wants me to fill a void in her life that I was never meant to fill and in turn, I get the lashings of her brokenness. What a cycle of yuck!!
So for now, I’m going to go to my corner, lick my wounds, and let God fill me up and then head back in. I’m not a victim, I’m an overcomer! My arms are raised in praise and this my friends is only a stepping stone and this little light of mine…I’m gonna let it shine!!
Proverbs 4:23 states “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” What’s flowing from your heart?
Blessed to be Broken 