Blessed to be Broken

God's not finished with me yet!


I’m so incredibly heartbroken over the latest senseless murders in Nashville. I’m so distraught in my soul that we’ve yet to discuss how to better protect our schools from people hell bent on killing children and adults for their own evil desires. I’m so sick of labeling the killers as this mental disease or another. I’m so sick of hearing we need more gun control. All we do is talk, talk, talk, with little to no action. All we do is feed the daily narrative. Mostly, I’m so sick and heartbroken of hearing how our children are being traumatized and murdered.

We’ve become a country of excuses and object blame. We’ve become pawns in the game of far left or far right. We’ve made enemies of eachother over politics, and people/children are dying because of it. We literally can’t agree on what’s most important. We’ve turned politics into an idol and placed a figurative elephant and donkey on a pedestal and bowed down to its’ perceived authority. How is that any different from years ago when the Israelites took their gold and turned it into a golden calf then literally bowed down to their jewelry and trinkets giving it praise and worship? As if polished jewelry turned into a calf somehow gave it god-like powers. It was literally a man-made statue. And don’t even get me started on how we still idolize jewelry today.

Unfortunately, murder is nothing new. It’s as old as time. We can argue all day long about gun control, but that won’t stop the murdering. We’ve proved long ago that when killing is the motive we can make a weapon out of anything. Evil will do what evil is intent on doing. Can you say Cain and Abel? God didn’t mess around when He approached Cain about the murder of his brother. He didn’t label Cain with this or that malady. He even warned Him not to let his anger get the best of him. Cain didn’t listen. He did what was in his heart to do. He murdered his brother over jealousy.

Audrey Hale was fully aware of what she was about to do. She even told a friend about it. Not her exact plans, but enough that her friend contacted the police. Audrey wanted to kill herself. She wanted to die. She wanted to kill. And she did. It was pre-meditated. Her labels don’t change the fact she knew what was morally right and wrong. Yet, we give her an out, based on her mental illness. We highlight her high functioning autism and her choice of transgenderism and blame her heinous action on her mental illness. I can’t help but ask the question, are we making an idol out of mental illness? Please understand I’m not attacking mental illness. I know all too well the effects. I’m just asking are we now using it as a common place excuse of accountability.

The only person who truly knows what happened to Audrey, is God. He knows exactly what brought her to the point of destruction. All we have now are best guesses and a supposed manifesto. All we’ll be fed is what the media wants us to know and then believe. Be careful what you choose to believe as “truth.”

What we do know from the video footage is, it didn’t matter the school doors were locked, the glass wasn’t bulletproof. But, you can bet your sweet patootie those political figure heads who tout gun control have bullet-proof vehicles, panic rooms/bunkers, and security details armed heavily with what….oh, that would be guns. This is not a message about gun control. Just simply pointing out the hypocrisy of this nation.

I love my country. I served in the military for my country. I love that once upon a time, immigrants looked to this country as a dream fulfilling sanctuary. I love so many things about this country. But, I would be remiss to talk about all the good and nothing of the evil that infiltrates and plagues it.

No, this is not my typical type of blog. I don’t normally want to talk about the evils of this world, because it’s easier to mourn and then sweep it under the rug than it is to face. It’s big and scary and most times so unbelievable that this is what our country has become, that hiding in my home feels safer than being out in the world.

But, you see, I’m a child of God and greater is He that is in me, than he who is in the world. (John 4:4) I do not have a spirit of fear. I have a spirit of power, love and a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7) Hiding in my home serves no one but me. I’ve been called to serve. I’ve been called to fight the good fight of faith. (1 Timothy 6:12) It matters in whom your faith is placed. Have you checked your heart lately to see where and in whom your faith is placed?

God warned us that we would have trouble in this world, but to take heart because He overcame the world. Remember, God warned Cain before He killed Abel. He gave him a way out. Cain didn’t take it. The free will given to us is a gift. How we use it, is a choice. Our choices, every single one of them, matters.

I can’t begin to imagine the horrific fear, pain, and sorrow these families are experiencing. My heart is broken for them. My soul cries out for justice. I ask, if you’ve read this far to please pray for the families and community of this latest, senseless tragedy. Please also pray for Audrey Hale’s family. Despite what happened, they also lost their loved one.

Six lives tragically taken from this world. Six lives who will no longer suffer the pains and sorrows of this world. Six lives that woke up, went about their day with absolutely no knowledge of what was coming. Six lives, now safely in the arms of Jesus.

Evelyn Dieckhaus, 9
William Kinney, 9
Hallie Scruggs, 9
Mike Hill, 61
Katherine Koonce, 60
Cynthia Peak, 61

Rest in Peace


A New Decade

A loud noise interrupts my peaceful morning. Excuse me! Don’t you know it’s my birthday? I’m guessing not. The sound is coming from a wood chipper and chain saws. Several men dressed in brightly colored vests are diligently working on the removal of two very large trees from my neighbor’s yard. The larger the tree limb, the louder the wood chipper noise.

I decided to watch these tree whackers do their job. They took great care as they worked their way up the tree felling those large limbs, while giving them plenty of room to make their way to the ground. Then the ground crew got to work, and into the wood chipper they’d go. From tree limb to sawdust.

I don’t know if trees feel pain. I’m guessing if they did, that was a lot to bear all at once. I thought to myself, I’m so thankful when God prunes away the things that need to go in my life, He doesn’t do it all at once. Like those lumberjacks, God also takes great care when He leads me through the pruning process.

As I stated earlier, today’s my birthday. Not just any birthday. The beginning of a new decade birthday. Age is just a number, right? I sure don’t feel 60 years old. I have peace with this number. I know, 60 is an age not granted to all. But here I am. God blessed me with another day and has walked me through a lot of pruning. A LOT of pruning. And, there’s still more to come.

Best part about my birthday? It’s also the first official day of Spring. I can almost hear the tulips and daffodils tapping on the ground to make way for their glorious entrance. That’s right, I said glorious.

The older I get, the more appreciation I have for this thing called life. There’s a lot less I find important. The simple things in life really are the best. I no longer put so much pressure on myself to perform. I figure, if you want to be in my life, you’ll be there. Begging someone to be part of my life, is no longer part of who I am.

Other people are not in charge of my life. Giving someone that kind of control robs me of who God calls me to be. I found people pleasing to be exhausting and a thief of precious time.

Worrying about what others think, gives them way too much power. The sad part is, you only find out just what a waste of time it was/is, when you realize those people weren’t even giving you a second thought. They were literally living their life while you wasted yours away, worrying about what to do based on a perceived outcome. Y’all this took me sooo long to learn.

Learning is a gift. Don’t ever stop learning. Don’t ever think you know it all, because you don’t. What a beautiful gift God has given us…to share, learn, love, and grow with one another. He graciously gives us what we need for each season and He lovingly prunes always what needs to be thrown into that wood chipper. Hanging onto things longer than necessary, leaves little room for things to come.

I have no idea what’s in store for me in this new decade, but I trust the One who created me to do what He planned for me long ago. So, I’m going into it with my hands, heart, eyes, and ears wide open for what God wants to do. He’s the only one who knows me through and through and remembers all I’ve forgotten. He knows all the things I have no clue about and yet, He’s ready to show me things when it’s the correct time.

So, on this first day of Spring and my birthday, let me remind you, God’s not even close to being done with what He’s started in you. He’s not mad at you. He’s not cursing you out. He’s not forgotten you. He absolutely loves you with an everlasting love. He sings over you and He has things meant just for you. Get ready my friend, because God’s always up to something new! And He always finishes what He starts. Much love to you!

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The Way Out

I dreamt about you last night. You hadn’t changed a bit. It was as if time stood still for you. I woke from the dream and so many emotions hit me at once. I couldn’t fall asleep fast enough to make those feelings disappear.

In the dream I was hanging out with my friend. You came busting into my room just like you used to when I was growing up. You weren’t a tall man, but you had some girth. I’ll never know this side of heaven what happened in your life to you to make you so mean. But, you were good at it.

When you finished with your tirade of terror you simply left. My friend and I looked at each other in disbelief. She was visibly shaken. I said, typical, and off we went about our day.

You started terrorizing my friend and I with your abusive words. You shouted at us as if there was a busy intersection standing between us and you needed to be heard above the noise. Except, the room was quiet. My friend and I were frozen in fear. We made not a peep. We both knew better than to argue with a drunk. Your word spattering caused spittle to hit our faces. There was no more room left to back up into.

The next day you came back. Only this time, I was ready for you. I stopped you in your tracks. Seething inside, I got as close to you as I could. My face twisted in a mix of hurt and anger. I dug deep to get my courage up and I spoke with tears in the back of my throat, and false bravado on the tip of my tongue. There was no way you were gonna visibly see my pain.

I carefully chose my words, and told you, no more. You were not welcome here and to take your venomous hide and get out and don’t ever come back. For surely if you did, you’d find yourself behind bars where you belonged. Instantly, iron bars popped up between us and we glared at one another through the spacing. You turned and left the room. But, the bars remained. A noise from outside jarred me awake.

Funny thing about the iron bars in that dream. Until the offender left the room, I couldn’t tell who was behind them, until they left. That’s the thing about unforgiveness. The other person goes about their business and you’re left standing behind the bars. A prison of sorts that keeps you from fully living life.

The person in my dream, was my dad. He passed away years ago, yet the remnants of his unsolicited bouts of drunken rage, still creep in. It’s a stark reminder that some inner healing is still needed. I don’t think you can put a time limit on healing. I think it’s a slippery slope when we falsely believe that whatever the thing is that hurt you, should only take so much time.

I’ve heard if you’ve been in a relationship, and you break up, the amount of time to heal, is half the amount of time you were together. I’m not sure who said that first.

I can tell you, years ago I forgave my earthly Father. I remember crying for the person who I believed to have been so hurt, the hurt turned into rage. I cried for my family who suffered at the hands of that hurt. But, every so often, something crops up and I realize I need to forgive that piece.

That’s the thing isn’t it? The pain and hurt didn’t occur all at once. So why would we be inclined to think the remaining broken bits and pieces get put back together all at once?

No, it’s a journey. It’s not a marathon. It’s like those growing pains we experienced as our bodies grew. But, I can report that as I type this, I’m not crying. Im not holding back any tears. My insides don’t feel all twisted up inside and I have peace. I actually have joy. Despite the realism of the dream, my soul is at rest. That’s a huge win! H.U.G.E

The thing is, I had to work through ALL those painful things. Stuffing them down, glossing over them, and hiding behind humor, only delayed my healing. Facing them head on and getting them out of my system was the only way out of my destructive patterns.

I love when the Word of God finally clicks. Sometimes I read things in the Bible, and I’m like, what the?? But, since I know God’s Word doesn’t return void, is living and active, and will do what it sets out to do, and God is always working, I don’t dwell on what I don’t know…yet.

This morning, I finally got it. It’s not to say I didn’t comprehend what the apostle Paul wrote here, and each time I read it, but now I’ve experienced it. Hebrews 12: 1-3 says:

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

I firmly believe the race marked out for me in this season of my life is healing. To stop the madness of performing for love and acceptance and constantly doing more to prove my worth. To calm my inner self and shut my brain down from flight or fight mode, with Jesus at the helm.

To say this has been hard, is an understatement. It was learning to say no, and be ok with it. To say no, and not worry about how it affected others. But, also understanding that saying yes in certain instances would’ve been more damaging to my soul. Understanding it’s ok to put me first was not going to break the world, and others would survive. Because, let’s face it, I’m not the one holding any one up.

There’s really only one way out of that unforgiveness prison. You can try to shortcut the way around, but you’ll be missing pieces of the journey. Eventually the pieces you try to avoid will come back round. So, my advice, persevere and work through it all. Every last piece. However long it takes.

Your healing is in your hands. No one else is in charge of it. No one else is responsible for it. However long it takes is your testimony. God won’t quit, so don’t you quit. Why? Because you’re life was bought at a price. Jesus persevered through death so you could live! And He promises that He’ll continue to do the good work He started in you. (Philippians 1:6)

He’ll finish what He started. Hang in there friend, there’s so much light at the end of the tunnel.


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