Good to the ness, you know you’re holding on too tightly to things when it’s trash day and you cry when they take ALL the trash. That’s where I found myself this morning. I must’ve looked at those trash containers a bazillion times wondering if they’d take all the trash that was put out to the curb. I’m sure had it not been removed prior to my driving into work I’d still be wondering if they’d take it all. God made sure that was one less thing on my mind today. Thank you, Lord.
It’s been about a minute since I paid any attention to my blog. I’ve thought about it a lot, but I was just too weary to write. It’s a season of change and I don’t always walk through change with grace. I mutter under my breath. I talk out loud. I pretend like it’s all okay. I convince myself this is a good thing all the while kicking change like it’s a boulder I’m supposed to move. Is it any wonder I found myself crying over overflowing trash?
The thing that has me all twisted up inside is moving. Not only moving, but downsizing. Not only downsizing, but buying instead of renting. This is reason for celebration, right? Everyone is so excited for me and yet, here I am, dragging my feet like it’s a 500 pound weight chained to my ankle.
This particular move is different. I don’t feel it’s permanent but it changes the dynamic of what had become comfortable.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful for the gift of being able to buy a home. After all, it’s part of the American dream, right? I no longer have to worry that my rent is going to be raised every time the lease comes due. I don’t have to worry if a pool for my grand daughter is going to ruin the grass. There’s so many good things about this move. I’m even closer to my grand daughter.
Yet, there’s this tugging at my heart that wonders, “did I do the right thing“? As I settle into the new house, I see things I didn’t see when I looked at it 3 times. This home, like me, has its’ quirks. But, it also has its’ charm. One friend described it as “quaint.”
The rental was more than I needed, but it worked for the season I was in. After 8 years, life was pretty comfortable. The easy choice would’ve been to stay at the rental and pay yet another increase in rent. But it didn’t sit well in my soul. It didn’t sit well 2 years ago when the rent was raised. I stayed, because it seemed easier than moving.
However, it cost me something besides money signing the last lease. It robbed me of my peace. I panicked every time I thought of the lease coming due. I panicked every time I got a text message from the landlord. That’s no way to live. Something had to give.
You’d think the answer would be easy. Move! But, it wasn’t just my life I was uprooting once again. It was my son’s. Yes, I know he’s a grown man but to me, he’s my child and life was going to be changing for him as well. So, the “move” solution, while simple enough, was still complicated.
Can I take some time here to give God some praise? When I finally made the decision to move, I didn’t have the money for a down payment for this house or any other house. I had no idea how or where it was going to come from. I figured I had some time to save the funds, but it didn’t work out. My son offered to loan me the money for a truck he was selling, but it never sold. Yet! Totally believing God to come through on the sale of that truck when it’s time.
I digress, back to the house. But God! I won’t get into the details, but let me say God showed up and provided for the down payment. I was BLOWN away. I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t have to haggle for the price of the house and it was really all I wanted.
Not only did God come through on the funds. He came through on the actual move, the lawyer I needed, the realtor and the list goes on and on.
So what’s my problem? Change. Change is my problem. It means I have to grow. It means laying down the old, and picking up the new. It means getting real with myself. I allowed some things to creep in that had no business in my life. I let fear in. I forgot who I was in Christ. I allowed my circumstances to be bigger than my God.
I put myself in a cocoon of sorts when this happens. I wrap myself up and hope no one pops the bubble wrap I placed myself in. Unfortunately, there’s always someone or something ready to pop the bubbles. It’s not always a bad thing when those bubbles pop. I knew it was time to throw the wrap off, stop retreating, and step into the next chapter with God.
And here I am! In my new home surrounded by boxes, unpacking, decluttering and thankful for trash day.
It’s funny how something like the trash being collected turns my heart and mind to Jesus. Everyday He takes my sin (trash) away. He collects it up and throws it as far as the east is to the west. He brushes me off and sets me back on my way. How can you not wake up and give God all the glory, glory! He is indeed worthy of ALL praise.
Have a beautiful day my friends! Know that God’s already gone before you and He’s right here with you!
Blessed to be Broken 