Blessed to be Broken

God's not finished with me yet!


There was a very long time in my life I had no clue what a personal relationship with God was all about;  46 years to be exact.  Oh, I knew there was a God and I conveniently prayed when I thought times were desperate, but other than that, I thought I was pretty happy doing pretty much whatever I pleased.  Then year 47 came into play and God finally said enough and He stepped in. He grabbed a hold of my life and it came tumbling down.  You see in order for me to realize I needed God, I had to be broken with nowhere else to turn. I in no way think God takes any kind of pleasure from this, as I can’t imagine from a parent’s perspective how heart wrenching it would be to watch my child fall as far from grace as I had.  So in 2010, my comfortable life drastically changed and in the fall of that year, I fell to my knees, threw my hands in the air and with tears streaming down my face gave my life over to the Lord.  And then the most miraculous thing happened…no, not really. Gonna keep it real here. It took a lot of years to get me to where I was, and this was not going to be an overnight transformation. But, let me give you just a little glimpse of what saying yes to God has done for me.

I’m not gonna start at the beginning, I’m gonna fast forward you into year 2.5.  I got engaged and moved in with my fiancé.  We knew the rules, but we did it anyways. Being new in my faith I was confused about a lot of things but one thing was for certain, Christ was not in the center of this relationship.  So, it should come as no surprise this was not working out.  This was not what I had signed up for and as we grew further and further apart I got myself a new “friend.”   Hello wine, how can you help me?  So, I decided to bury my situation by drinking wine. Not a glass here or there, but like 2 bottles a night kind of drinking.  As my fiancé and I grew further and further apart, spending less and less time together, I planted myself in my craft room on the computer.  Not only had I become a (gulp) wine-alcoholic, I was now addicted to all things internet. Stick with me, this is where it gets good!!

It was on the internet that I found my first On-line-Bible study. I poo-pooed it away at first, thinking how could you get any real fellowship on-line? But, I kept getting pulled back to it, so I signed up for “Let.It.Go” by Karen Ehman. I didn’t know what to expect and I was very timid at first. Being fairly new in my faith, I was quite intimidated by all these well versed godly women. But I stuck with it. I grew to love my small group and its leader. Little by little I participated and hey, I wasn’t judged. These women were just like me!! We were all searching for fellowship with other women who loved Christ. Yay!!

When the first OBS ended, I started another and then another. I was hooked!! I also found on the internet a Christian Life Coach, and this amazing church where I found myself sometimes watching 3-4 sermons a night. I just totally “got” how Gods word was being preached. God was speaking to me and I was listening and crying and laughing and questioning and singing songs of praise. Each morning I would read my Bible, devotions and listened to Christian music all day long. Next thing I knew I kept feeling this impression to fast.  Say what?!  I don’t fast. Are you sure you want me to fast Lord? Okay Lord, you say fast, I guess I’m fasting.  It was during the fast I felt “destroy” and I was like, huh? “Destroy?” Uhhhh, what am I supposed to destroy?  As I looked around the kitchen I knew exactly what I had to destroy.  So that day, every bottle of wine, every wine glass, every picture, every piece of art that dealt with wine went into the trash. I didn’t want to do it, but I knew I could in no way disobey “destroy.”  The very next day, (no joke) my group leader from the OBS told me that a leader in charge of running the OBS was trying to get a hold of me because after prayerful consideration, my leader had recommended ME to be a small group leader. Say what?!! I didn’t even know at the time I wanted to be a group leader.  But how ironic that the next study on the table was entitled “What Happens When Women Say Yes To God” by Lysa TerKeurst, and I was being asked to be a leader. Page 13 of Lysa’s book says “you don’t need perfect circumstances to be a woman who says yes to God.”  I managed to turn wine into a “trusted” idol, but because I pursued God, listened to His word, and radically obeyed when He said “destroy,” He took my bad and turned it into good.  So many years of saying no, so many years of disobedience and yet He never stopped loving me.  He’s taking all my broken parts and putting them back together in the way He intended me to be all those years ago when He formed me in the womb. Saying “Yes God” is so much more rewarding and my life is forever changed. Psst…He really does know what He’s doing.  Just saying!!


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